100th post--big news!

I think this news is fitting for the 100th post here.

OK READERS, I am going back to school!!!!!! The following is from a message board that I belong to...

I've been feeling really stuck and bored with life lately, as some of you might have noticed.

My therapist and I made major headway the other night about why I feel like this...and finally she said, "Look, I have to say this, I might be biased, but..." and then she suggested that I'm not stimulated enough, I'd do better in an intellectual/academic environment, etc. That I don't really have a career, just jobs, and my dissatisfaction with that is why I keep wanting to "run away" from my life and just stay home and not work. So then I said to her "Okay, I have to come out with this...but I keep thinking about library school."

I had been thinking about it for years, since senior year of college--and just kept pushing it away, esp. after being IN a library...but I keep going back to it...and with all of my book-related jobs...why not make it my career and do something REAL and more stimulating and intellectual than what I am doing now? (and, um, make more money, lol) I just needed to admit it to myself.

I feel SO much better, as if I have figured out my purpose/direction. I think that's what was missing--I didn't have anything to look forward to or think about. And now I do No more stuck feeling...I just have to move forward with my stuff. It makes me VERY excited thinking about it. It just all came together.

When I told DH after my appointment, he was like TOLD YOU SO! For years, he's been saying how I should go back to school, be a librarian, etc.

So, at the end of this month, I will start my very first library class, and go one class a semester until I'm accepted (because the school limits how many non-matriculated classes you can take) and then try and finish the degree as fast as I can. Over the summer, I will take the GRE, get all my application stuff together, etc.

Part of me was feeling like I needed to have my life figured out, and fast, esp. before we have kids. Well, we're not having kids for a few more years, so I can still do school, and there was a part of me who felt that I had to be like MY mom, and be a SAHM. I know a lot of people who had working parents and they turned out all right, no delinquents or anything, lol. I also know mothers who went back to school after having kids, too. There's no perfect life. There's an ideal, but nothing's perfect. So I'm just gonna roll with it and see what happens.

Some new goals for this year

Yeah, because it's 2009 and you're all doing it too ;-)

1) Definitely work on improving my health. Notice I didn't say lose weight...but that would be good too, and hopefully a benefit of watching what I eat and getting to the gym. I think kids are in the near future for us--at least in the next 2 to 3 years--and I really need to be a healthy woman.

2) Research more on a certificate program that I'm interested in. It would help me in my future job searches, no matter which career path I chose. (It would be a certificate in management.) It also would not pigeon-hole me into anything, which is always a good thing! Even better, some classes are online, so it wouldn't tie me down too much.

3) Get out, get involved--be it with a local Stitch and Bitch club, book club, volunteering somewhere, etc. I think I spend too much time on my own or with DH, and I really need to expand my horizons. It's almost like I'm developing social anxiety from NOT doing anything--weird.

4) Get rid of stuff around this house! Some of it will go to my parents' until we're ready for a house (you can only use SO many glasses or towels) and some of it will be gone for good! To Goodwill!

Will you be my friend?

On Facebook, that is.

A girl whom I've known since Kindergarten, and was very good friends with throughout our school years, but lost touch with during college, friended me recently on Facebook. It surprised me, and actually made my stomach do flip-flops...and not in a good way.

I always found myself getting annoyed with her, especially in high school. She was one of the pretty, thin girls, with over-indulgent parents, tons of boyfriends, "other" friends (people who didn't like me), etc. She always seemed to try and "one up" everyone else, and finally I just got sick of her antics, so I just stopped reaching out to her.

I'm guessing that now, this Facebook friending thing is to poke her nose into my life (which is what most people do on FB anyway) and see if she's better off than I am. I'm sure she is...I know she's got a new house and a new baby, and probably some great job and I'm sure her husband is employed too...

Meanwhile, I'm still struggling with everything these days--no house until my husband gets a job, I'm still not satisfied with my career, all which means no babies for awhile...and most definitely not until my health improves.

Happy New Year? (just looked at my pay stub)

My net pay for 2008 was just slightly over $22K. I still have one paycheck to go, so mayyyybe that'll bump me to $23K?

I feel so disgusted by that number. So...I don't know...defeated? Like all of my hard work and dedication is really just a joke? Where does $37K turn into $22K?

We do pay a lot for health insurance, and then there are the taxes that come out...and a small contribution to my (NON-MATCHED) 401k. But wow, combine that with the checks that DH gets from his settlement...that's 2 people, living in a fairly high COLA, on about $42K.

No wonder I feel like crap...and people think I'm being silly, or overreacting about money. Or I get "money's tight for everyone." That might be true, but most people can cut back...or they chose to buy a house, go on vacation, spend on credit cards.

We're doing the "right" thing...and not getting ahead.

I really hope 2009 is a better year for this household. We need it. Most people fear odd years (some superstition, I guess), but for me and DH, odd years have been good ones.

2003--we met
2004--DH's mom dies suddenly, DH almost dies in his accident
2005--DH is all better, I change jobs and am SUPREMELY happy
2006--we get engaged (OK, that's a good thing, lol), I take a new job and am miserable.
2007--we get married!!! go to Hawaii!!! I get promoted.
2008--DH gets laid off...


Here are my wishes for 2009:

1) DH to find a job. Something that isn't back-breaking or spirit-crushing. But something. Because he's getting scared that he's not going to find anything. It's been 10 months now, lots of interviews over the summer, but none in awhile. LOTS of applications put out.

2) Me to get healthier. I know, everyone makes some kind of resolution like this, but I really need to. Not a joke.

3) Me to find some happiness and peace in my current situation instead of trying to get out. If that means taking a class, so be it. If it means I give up TV once a week to go out to a group/club meeting, so be it.


That's all. Very simple wishes, but who knows how hard they'll be to achieve?

Happy New Year, everyone.

I think I am one of the working poor.

And it sucks. I really think the middle class is now the working poor. Or something. I might be over-dramatizing this, but sheesh.

I make an "OK" salary I guess (a little over $37K), but I wish I was paid more. I know, we all wish that. I dunno, I just feel like I worked hard throughout my life and went to a great school and all of that. Maybe this is a little bit of the entitlement monster sneaking out? When I started at my current job 2 years ago, I started out at $28K, so I guess increasing my salary by 9K in 2 yrs is pretty good? I don't know much about these things--salaries, getting paid what you should be getting, etc.

What bothers me mostly is after health insurance comes out, and taxes, and the bills are paid, there is very little for savings or fun/leisure. So I spend my free time doing things like cleaning and laundry and all of that...and then I stress because I never have any time for exploring my hobbies or interests. Or hell, even just sitting at the kitchen table staring into space.

Wait, I'm writing this blog entry, so it's not like I live a life of complete drudgery, lol.

And we have no debt, or crazy bills to pay--this is important to remember. But still, I just feel that things that could make my life easier are not possible. That we'll never be ahead, and I'll just go from work to chores at home and back to work.

Our bills are pretty straightforward, too:

• rent
• phone/cell/internet
• electric (which includes heat)
• cable (we have a pretty cheap plan, too...not the cheapest, though, ha)
  
• gym memberships
• food
• gas
• the random things needed at Target, Walmart, CVS
  
• copays for dr's visits and RX's
  
• and then the bills that come every so often, like car taxes or car insurance

I am happy that I don't have to write things like: student loans or credit card X, Y, AND Z...but it would be nice to have more to show for me doing "the right thing" you know?

I have thought about going back to school...because a lot of times you have to go back to school to earn more money...but I'm not sure what I'd go back for, nor am I sure that it would equal more money. Unless I changed fields 100% and you never know if you'll have to start out at a super low salary. I don't want to go backwards!!!!

In a perfect world, I'd love to have a cleaning person and a laundry person...then I could spend my free time doing FUN things! There is no perfect world though.

I think I'd feel better if this apartment were a bit bigger or if we didn't have so much stuff and few places to put it all...maybe I'd feel a bit more proactive about taking care of our space, or that it wouldn't look so packed. I'm actually embarrassed to have people over, because we have things everywhere...there's no place to put them all. Wedding gifts in the kitchen still, fishing rods in the half bath so the cats won't get to them, snow shovels by the door....argh!

Merry Christmas, a day late

Some interesting things happened over the past few days to my family, and since this blog is mostly anonymous, I'll post them here:

1) My aunt's car was broken into on Tuesday and the presents she had for her little nieces and nephews were stolen. WTF? SO NOT THE CHRISTMAS SPIRIT!!!!! Thankfully she was not hurt and the car wasn't too damaged (just the passenger window was broken) so all will be OK. She will probably get reimbursed by the insurance company for the stolen items, but her coworkers took up a collection and gave her money so she could replace the stolen gifts. My cousins were so good about it too, telling her that it wasn't about the presents. They are getting so grown up!

2) After Midnight Mass on Christmas Eve, DH's grandmother decides to have a confessional and lets out a huge family secret to just DH and I. (other people know this, they just weren't there) She told us that when she was 16, still living in the "Old Country", she was raped by a Russian soldier (occupying her country) and got pregnant with DH's mom. DH and I had guessed that something like this had happened--the age difference between his mom and grandma, how they had the same maiden names, etc. But we never knew for sure--actually we'd thought that maybe his grandmother had gotten herself into "trouble" at a young age and didn't get married. Who would have thought? This certainly puts a different spin on things. Poor DH's grandmother, especially back then when there wasn't help for these things.



Otherwise, Christmas was pretty good...our families were very generous this year with money and gifts. I got a little stressed out on Christmas day, but I need to learn to chill the eff out. I had a hilarious time at my parents' house with my two cousins from my dad's side (it's just the 4 of us for grandchildren on that side) who are in their early 20s, listening to the hijinx that they encounter in life.

I don't know what to call this post...

but it has to do with my family and my husband and how they get along...

I'm very upset...and I've been crying, my stomach's been in knots, feeling depressed about it, etc. Right now, I'm OK, but jeez, I hate conflict.

Thankfully it's not my parents. It has to do with two of my uncles (one on either side of the family) and my brother...and comments that they've said to my husband.

Now, DH has been through a lot in the past 5 years or so...and had dealt with some crap even when he was younger. We all do...and it makes its impact on us, and defines how our lives turn out. He might be a bit more sensitive to certain things...or comments that people might say. We all have our "buttons" that bother us when pushed.

So anyway, my two uncles have made comments about DH still not working...and yes, it bothers him. Both the comments and the fact that it's 9 months with no job offers. [Applications and interviews, but no offers. It's not like he's sitting around, enjoying this "vacation."] My Uncle D asked his question innocently and DH let him know how it made him feel, and I think that he felt badly...but my other uncle, Uncle J? He's like a freaking dog with a bone. He just keeps pushing and pushing...and it's soooooo rude and annoying. GRAAAAA I just want to scream! DH has tried to avoid Uncle J at family gatherings, and tried to keep any convos short and to the point. But my uncle won't give up. Why doesn't he understand that DH is in criminal justice, not law enforcement? And that he CAN'T be a cop b/c of his injuries?? And that he IS looking for ANYTHING that's available??? GRRRRR. Thankfully we don't see him too often, he lives way on the other side of the state (almost 2 hrs away). I don't know why people can't just let things rest.

My Aunt N (sister of Uncle J and my mom) put it this way: Uncle J and his wife, Aunt D, are pretty ignorant about things and haven't had much worldly experience. All they care about is work, and making money and buying things to show off with that money. Whereas people like DH and I get that there's more in life than working and material crap. And we also "get" that some subjects are really sensitive to people...and not to discuss them, or you wait until the people bring them up. For instance, I would never ask a young couple "So where's the babies???" To people like Uncle J and Aunt D, it's just making conversation, and it's also all they know. When I was single, Aunt D would always ask if I had a boyfriend, was I dating, etc. Now that we're married, she asks about when we're buying a house and having kids. It's like, all she knows is a "Platonic Form" of life--work, houses, marriage, babies...

Last night, my brother came over to have dinner and watch The Dark Knight. Everything was GREAT (and we even told my brother how DH loves him like a brother, sometimes more than DH's OWN brother)...until later on when were were talking about jobs and careers. My brother might be going for his CDL (the license you need to drive big rigs) and DH commented sort of off the cuff "Oh maybe I'll do that too..." My brother made a comment about DH's stomach not fitting behind the wheel and that just set off the evening...my brother did say that he too has trouble behind the wheel...but it was just downhill from there. My brother soon left and DH was upset...so I ran out after my brother to talk to him about what happened and how DH was feeling like crap.

Yes, DH has a big stomach, but it's not fat...it's scar tissue from the accident. And hello, my brother is over 300lbs!!! My brother didn't understand why it made him feel badly...in my brother's own, innocent little mind, he thought he was doing DH a "favor." [My brother is quite sheltered, at 27 he has yet to do much with his life...he's also behind, socially and has learning disabilities.] So I was crying, my brother was crying, I'm trying to explain WHY you cannot say things to people about their size/weight...EVER!

I go back inside, DH is still upset, doesn't want to go to Christmas with my family, is tired of my family giving him grief, etc. I'm upset because DH has had a lot of crap happen to him in life, my family needs to STFU and learn some sensitivity, and again, I hate conflict and just want EVERYONE to get along and just behave.

Is that so much to ask??????