Feeling sad...

And it has nothing to do with me (for once).

It seems like everyone's got something "big" going on right now. I think I'm getting more sensitive in my "old age," towards situations which other people are in, and while that's a good thing, it's obviously bad too.

--I have friends who can't find jobs, who are well qualified, talented individuals.

--I have friends struggling with infertility, who want to be parents in the worst way, and everyone else we know is getting pregnant.

--I have friends with health issues.

--I have friends with sick parents and others who have lost too many family members this year alone (especially at work).

--I have friends whose families are going through rough times, including divorce.

--I have friends who are having horrible times with their jobs.

--I have friends who are heartbroken.


Hugs and prayers to all of you. My heart hurts for all of them.

Something else

As a point of clarification on the "don't tell me to have a baby" thing.

Before I forget, I wanted to say that my therapist was the one who told me that things would change when DH and I had kids--that we'd meet people that way. I might have blogged about this before, but I'm SOOOOO against my children being a crutch for my socializing! If I meet people b/c I have a baby or child, sure that's fine, but I don't want my kid being my sole way to meet people. That's not fair to anyone!

On another note, I'm doing a bit better. I did some chores--laundry, dishes, cleaned a bit, studied for my final on Wednesday, talked with DH outside and relaxed. I think I just need to keep busy. DH suggested that I do some kind of physical activity--it'd be good for body and mind. I agree.

So...what should I do!?!?

Follow up to yesterday's post...

I was coming here to write this, and then I saw I had two comments, so I will address those, too.

The reason I used puppy and baby in my post yesterday because it seems that with both, there are socializing opportunities...the dog park, puppy kindergarten, play groups, storytime at the library. From what I've seen (and this has been on Facebook, so it's not totally accurate info) even people who haven't talked to each other since HS are now meeting up and reconnecting because they both have kids. Or people who stayed in touch and live in my same town/area all had kids around the same time.

I don't know, I'm just lonely, even though I have a husband and three cats, lol. It makes me down, and then my husband thinks it's him. It's not! There's just...I don't know, only so much you can do when you don't have a lot of money to spend so you can't just "take off" on random jaunts, and you don't own a house, where something always needs to be done, lol or you can just sit outside...so a lot of the time DH and I are "relegated" to our apartment or we're out running errands because they are necessary expenses (Target, grocery store, etc) and it's something to do/somewhere to go.

I might have blogged about this before, but my workplace is not a place to make friends--there was someone who I was getting chummy with and she got fired and then wouldn't answer my emails. Another girl got laid off. There aren't a lot of females or even opportunities to get to know them better, since everyone kinda does their own thing during the workday. Where I work is a small town, so it's not like there are lots of after work hang out spots. A bunch of us have tried to do things like happy hours but everyone's got some kind of conflict and no one goes. (Or it's always scheduled when I have something I can't get out of...sigh.)

KC--I have thought about a book club, especially with my interests and future career plans! My town's library has one, but it meets at THREE PM on a weekday. Lovely. The other towns in the area don't have any! The bookstore I used to work at has them, but I feel weird going back there, I don't know why. It's not like I left on bad terms or anything. Maybe because I haven't been there really since I left? Maybe becaused I gained a lot of weight? I don't know. I just looked at their website and I can't find anything about them, so maybe they got rid of the clubs?

A+--I know what you're saying and I am afraid that when my time comes, I won't have a "network" and will be all alone in that new adventure. School has been OK, I'll talk with people before class or as we're walking out, but it's not really just gonna happen like that, you know? My summer class is online, maybe in the fall I'll see people from this semester again.

Just got a comment from Ms. M, so I'll reply to that too--I have thought about volunteering, and actually it was something my therapist recommended. I just have to get off my butt and find places to do it...

I think I just wish I hadn't isolated myself when I first came back "home" after college or had put myself out there more...hadn't lost touch with former coworkers when I left jobs. My personality is such that when I get involved with new stuff, I get overwhelmed and focus ONLY on that thing. It's weird...

DH and I were talking about this stuff last night, and he's having more luck lately meeting up with people who have common interests. Right now, he's out with someone he met through someone else, lol. He thinks it's because men have more active interests, and women usually don't. I think he might be right. DH is into fishing, hunting, sports--things you usually do with others! What am I interested in? Reading, crafty stuff, gardening--mostly things you do on your own.

The few friends I have around here, I'm not really doing anything with them when I see them, because what is there to do? Get food/coffee and/or shop. It's a vicious cycle because of the money stuff. The local friends are also all about an hour's drive away, so trying to meet up in the middle can be difficult too, because it's not just you can sit in a restaurant for hours at a time. I've thought about inviting people over, but it just feels weird to me. Like, what would we do at my house for 4 or 5 hours??? In this tiny apartment??? Maybe I'm overthinking it. I probably am.

DH also thinks I talk myself out of things or find reasons not to do stuff. He's right. I just get stressed/overwhelmed with things and then find reasons not to do them, and I'm embarrassed about how much weight I've gained, soooo, there ya go. I also think I've never really learned now to socialize/entertain, so that's why it feels awkward when I even think about doing it.

This stuff just doesn't feel organic...it feels fake and forced. But maybe that's what happens now that you're a grown up?

Thanks for reading/listening...

Kinda sad

I found out yesterday that my friend's sister and brother in law are getting divorced. It just hit me oddly, and made me super sad, even though I don't know them very well.

I know people who've divorced, and I know people who've been on the brink of divorce (but worked it out)...but I guess this was more of a shock because it was so sudden. It was even sudden to my friend and her family. Totally out of the blue. They'd been married 3.5 years, and had dated for a few before that. Always seemed happy and in love.

Just makes you think, if it happened to them, it can happen to anyone.

I've got my hand out, here....

and I'm asking for all the thoughts, prayers, good vibes, rain dances, crossed fingers, whatever for my DH.

He's had a bunch of interviews lately, and some phone calls expressing interest in interviewing him (just nailing down dates/times), and even one offer(!)* so we're moving in the right direction, but we're not there JUST yet. This is better than we could have expected, and we'd just like someone to decide on him. Usually people ask for "good stuff" when things are going bad...so I'm changing it up and asking for the "good stuff" to help this awesome streak of luck to continue.

Thanks in advance everyone!


* the offer--it was for a company that sounded good, but when DH inquired about their liability insurance (as he'd be transporting clients in his own car), they got very weird and weren't fully answering his/our questions. We looked into buying supplemental insurance to cover our butts, since our auto insurance company would not cover DH while using his car at work, but that was impossible. When DH asked the HR woman about a certain type of insurance and that our insurance company recommended any employer having this, she got very defensive and said "you really should NOT be calling your insurance company about this stuff." That was enough for us. DH declined the offer. Besides, it wasn't really what he wanted to do (population-wise). The interviews he's had since then have been more along the lines of what he's done and wants to continue doing.

Something that popped into my mind recently...

Are DH and I the only people who are married and don't have kids yet? I know of a few other couples who don't have any yet...but I know them more peripherally.

I'm talking about people who are close friends...most of them had their first baby within the first year to 18 months of marriage. Most (but not all!) are also religious...which probably explains why they had kids so soon... [Some were a bit older (mid-thirties) and didn't want to wait too long.]

But DH and I are religious too.

As I've said before, here and other places, we just want to wait a bit and we're in no real shape or form to be parents right now. I don't know if it's just a trend I'm noticing only because it's on my mind, or if it's really true. People probably really don't notice or care, but I often wonder if people think "oooh, they've been married 18 months, where's the baby?" Especially at church.


DH and I are having some guilt issues about using BC right now, and we both feel caught between a rock and a hard place. Maybe some of these thoughts come from that guilt?

IDK....

Are BlackBerrys really necessary?

A friend of mine recently got a BlackBerry, which I learned about when she emailed me from it.

I think this is ridiculous. She doesn't have a job that requires round the clock contact, nor does is she allowed to do work in "off hours." Don't get me wrong, I looooove the internet, but I'm not that into gadgets where I'd need to have constant access to email and the web. Sure, it COULD be handy, but really, why do you NEED something like that? Plus, the money that you have to shell out...

I just think it's laughable because a few months ago, I was saying how DH and I had to cut back on things because money is tight, and she was sort of snotty about it, saying "money's tight for everyone." Now here she is with some high-priced gadget which requires monthly service!!!!! Get real. The money tightness in our home was a result of an action beyond our control...where it seems hers was a result of many actions within her control.

I truly believe that our society needs to STOP falling prey to this stuff. Some people are learning it now, only because they have to (job loss, hours being cut), or because they live in fear of what might happen. Some people have been avoiding this stuff already, and they're the ones who are surviving and thriving.

To me, the only people who need BBs are those who need to be in constant reach with someone else, but primarily from a job.

Just my opinion ;-)

What I'm thankful for...

Yes, it's after Thanksgiving. I was busy last week! LOL

1. DH. (and the fact that he's a great cook...if I were laid off, God only knows what we'd be eating, lol)

2. our kitties--those three little furballs make our days and bring lots of fun into our lives!

3. a roof over our heads

4. NO DEBT WHATSOEVER. Besides the monthly bills like rent and utilities. We don't owe anyone anything.

5. two cars that run very well.

6. my job--I may bitch about it, but it's a steady paycheck, gives us benefits, and hey, it's somewhere to go every day, lol.

7. enough food to eat

8. clothes and shoes to wear

9. family that loves us and supports us

10. good health...most days.

Some things that are bothering me lately....

1. This Ted Kennedy with a brain tumor thing. It's not really about him. My uncle died of the SAME type of tumor less than 2 years ago. He lived in Boston. Seeing all the news coverage is like ripping off the scab and exposing the wound. I don't think our family has been the same since he died. I also know what Ted will face, and that's not a pretty future.

2. My husband remains unemployed. He's gone on two interviews but no success. He's applied for a TON of positions, it just requires waiting. I'm not a good waiter. Neither is he. I worry about the future. It sucks to be the sole breadwinner, to HAVE to go to work, to carry the health insurance...puts a lot of pressure on me. I just pray that by the time we have kids, he'll be in a good job, a stable one, with good insurance, so that I can be a SAHM or work part time.

3. Work is not replacing fired girl. I can't do her job AND mine. I think it's nice that they think I can, but I can't. I just can't do it all. I've worked I don't know how many hours already in the past two weeks, trying to make up stuff. My body is beat.

Mysterious ways

They say that God works in mysterious ways. I agree with this. Some things really do happen for a reason, be they crazy, sad, weird, happy, whatever.

I think that sometimes God creates natural disasters to "help" him in his work. I'm not saying that God is a killer. Yes, he takes lives, but only for a reason. There have been certain natural disasters as of late, which have killed thousands of people. I tend to believe that maybe it is a form of population control? I don't want to sound like I'm not playing with a full deck.

I'm not some holy-roller that believes that everything is some divine message. And I'm not advocating violence and death. But you've gotta wonder...especially when people say "how could God let this happen?" Well, he did and it was for SOME reason...maybe there were just too many people...?

away for work

I am at an oceanside resort for a trade show--work sent me and two of the guys to do some sales and marketing things. The guys are more of the sales end of things--they actually go OUT into the field, whereas I'm more marketing. Bossman figured it would be a good idea for me to go and see what it's like out there in the big world, and how my materials that I create are actually used. So here I am.

This is the first time that I've been away from DH since we've been married. There have been nights where he was sick and spend the night on the couch or in the recliner, but this is the first time that I haven't been in the same house as he is. Weird. I miss him, even though I'm working. Maybe we can come back here someday? The room which I'm staying in opens right on to the beach. I walked out on it for a sec in my stockinged feet! LOL

(Note: when you do a trade show, wear comfy shoes! Dumbass me wore heels, but I thought I'd be OK since they are thick. WRONG.)

It should be very peaceful tonight sleeping, with the waves pounding outside. Tomorrow, we do a bit more trade show, then I'm off to see college roomie B and her kids. Want to hear a small world situation? This woman I was talking to today works in the same industry, if you will, as B's dad. I asked her if she knew him. Sure enough, she did! When I told her that I was roomies w/ his eldest daughter, she was like "Ohhhh, B????" Too funny!

I don't know what I'm doing about dinner. There aren't a lot of options around here...and I would actually prefer to hang out in the room, catch up on work, and watch TV. But I have to forage the boonies of where I am to find something to eat. Hmmmm. I don't know if the guys will ask me to eat with them, but I feel kinda funny. They are BFFs (went to college together, have worked together forever), so I feel like a 3rd wheel.

Anywhoo....it's beautiful here and I wish it were warmer outside!

That being said...good things.

I graduated from college with zero debt.

I graduated from high school and college.

I have never been unemployed longer than I wanted to be.

I have a husband who loves me.

I have a family who loves me, even if they are wacky.

I have three adorable cats; they are the best!

I can see, I can hear, I can walk, I can breathe.

My boss thinks I'm fantastic.

The owners of my company appreciate my hard work.

Struggles

My dad often jokes with my brother and me that we're spoiled...that he and mom weren't hard enough on us. I used to laugh it off and say, "no, you guys were tough enough." But now I'm wondering if it's true...if I am spoiled.

I don't know what it's like to REALLY struggle, and I think that's why, at 28, when I get envious of someone's situation or life or whatever, I get REALLY REALLY envious of it, so much so that it brings me down. Also, stress (be it from work, life, etc) makes me pick myself/my life apart.

I also get bogged down in what I don't have, instead of focusing on what I DO have. I think part of this is because I didn't have to struggle...and it wasn't until I was in my twenties, did life have struggles.

I didn't HAVE to work hard at school, I was bright, so it came easily. While my parents weren't rich, I didn't have to seriously make do with things, the way other kids might have. There was always money for new clothes and shoes. Might not been top of the line or what I wanted, but it was what we needed and we didn't ever go without.

In college, I didn't have to work, the way most of my friends did. My parents didn't send me money when I needed it; I worked over the summers, but that was enough to get me through the school year. They paid for the bill from the college, I paid for the rest. I never had stress over how I'd buy my books for the semester, or if I could afford a train ticket home for Christmas break. My grandfather bought me my first "real" car. My parents were always there for me, not rushing in to rescue me, but the help was always offered. When I decided to leave a bad job, and take a better one that paid much much less, my parents invited me over for dinner when I didn't have enough money to buy real food. I know, that's what parents are supposed to do, but only now, as an adult, do I realize that not everyone has that. And even if their parents would invite them over for dinner, they may not live in the same city or state.

So, I think the fact that I've had a "cushy" life, relatively speaking, is why I have such a hard time as an adult with certain aspects of the way things are. It could be better, sure, and it could be worse. I could have NO clue about how to cope; while it might seem as though some days I'm a baby or immature or just don't want to work hard, there is some hope. Sometimes when I'm having a bad day, where I'm stressed out and think all is lost, people get upset with me. To them, my problems seem trivial, or can be easily solved. I think the fact that these people have had to struggle more, work harder, to get where they are, is why they grow impatient with me. No one should HAVE to struggle, this is something we can all agree on. And I should not feel badly that I had parents who could help, and who wanted to help. I should also not feel badly for having a rough time with things now...it's just the way things are. What I need to do now is learn how not to let things bother me, and how to grow and learn from my struggles.

Note to self:

Come back later and write about last night at the movies.

ETA at 1:35--and what happened at the bank.

People are so rude. Ugh.

ETA: It's Wednesday, 5/7, and I'm finally getting back to this. I don't have as much time as I thought I would to get into this further. People are rude.

Do you really need to be at the bank, waiting in line, talking on your cell about how you dumped her or she dumped you and your parents and her parents both told you to dump her? Multitasking is great, and sometimes I will talk on the phone during a long car ride, but a 5 minute wait in a bank line is ridiculous! Get over yourself, no one wants to hear you or your stories! Luckily for me, I had my MP3 player in my purse and blasted music in my ears until it was my turn.

The movies--Friday night. Do you really need to TEXT during a movie??? Maybe I forgot what it's like to be 16 or 17 with a hopping social life, but can't you wait until the movie is over to just make a call and firm up plans? I guess I should be glad for small favors and be thankful that the guy wasn't making/taking a phone call during the movie. But the light from his cell was annoying as hell.

If you are in your 20s, you shouldn't be using a movie theater to get drunk and make out. Get a room! Unless that's a turn on for you or something....which is gross!

Chanel No. 5

What is it with this perfume anyway? Apparently it's the best-selling perfume in the world, but I think it smells nasty. I'm reading this book about the perfume industry now and I was amazed to learn this fact about Chanel No. 5. I never got the allure--my grandmother and aunt love/d it. And so do millions of other women in the world. It's expensive as hell, too. I just don't get it.

Feeling very boring today

Or maybe it is just a case of PMS? I dunno. I just feel blah.

I have a new car, but I don't go anywhere, except to work, the gym, and stores.

I have a lot of nice kitchenwares and decorating stuff, but no place to put them and no time to use a lot of them. No friends to invite over to entertain with.

I just feel like I might have outgrown some people, or they have outgrown me. Or we're changing or something. The single ones have money to spend and places to go and things to do. When I was single, I didn't have much money, and when I did, I had no one to go places with. The marrieds live too far away and have kids.

I'm married, don't really have the money (or vacation time!) to go places and do things all that often, not too many people are in our boat...I used to love projects, but there aren't really any that you can do when you rent. When I lived at home, I helped my mom do things around the house. Even after I moved out, I helped her repaint all of the kitchen cabinets. That was fun! I can't start my garden stuff yet--too cold.

Oooops, I had to go earlier unexpectedly and I posted this without finishing. I just don't know what to do with myself anymore. I feel like I'm 15 again, too old for camp/playing, but too young to drive and work.

I know there are some people who are probably envious of my free time, but it's not that great right now. There's not even good TV on, and I wasn't ever really a TV person! This is making me mad and sad. Ugh.