the past should stay the past

SERIOUSLY. Why do "bad" memories have their way of coming out at times? I put bad in quotes because there are worse things out there that have happened to people, so this is pretty minor if you think about it.

Last night, I started talking with DH about college, freshman year especially, and how crappy it was. I don't even know how it came out, really. I forgot what we were talking about when we came upon this subject. I'm sure a LOT of people have similar stories about making friends, losing them, being lonely on a Friday/Saturday/Tuesday/whatever night while your roommate/s go out and stay out wicked late, trying to find your way amidst different groups of people where you don't really fit in, whatever the case may be.

But it made me feel SO horrible, talking about it. And here it is, over 12 hours later and I still feel crappy. That was OVER 10 years ago, I can't go back, I can't change who my roommates were. I can't change that I was shy and didn't know that you were supposed to go around and introduce yourself (yeah, I thought people would come to ME). I didn't know that the "uniform" was cute clothes from American Eagle or A&F.

And, in the end, things DID get better. This is most important to remember! Eventually, I did meet people, some with whom I am still REALLY tight today. Sure, we lost some of our group along the way to graduation, but that happened over truly dumb stuff (hello, housing lottery! Or, someone got a boyfriend) and what matters is, by the time Christmas break rolled around that year, I didn't want to go home for a month. Out of fear I'd lose those friends I'd just made.

I guess I just remembered that pain of feeling like you didn't matter to anyone and you'd never feel at home...and I REALLY felt it this time. Like I was suddenly back in my dorm room, on a Friday night, listening to music, exploring this thing called the internet (haha!), while one roommate escaped to the peace of home and the other was out boozing it up. (I have to laugh now because the two of them did not return sophomore year.)

I still think that old things like this should stay buried, because the memories can catch you off-guard and you are suddenly sad but can't really explain why. Maybe some of the tears or feelings are out of gratitude for those who you did meet and had fun times with...and for yourself, that you got through it and you survived.