Happy New Year? (just looked at my pay stub)

My net pay for 2008 was just slightly over $22K. I still have one paycheck to go, so mayyyybe that'll bump me to $23K?

I feel so disgusted by that number. So...I don't know...defeated? Like all of my hard work and dedication is really just a joke? Where does $37K turn into $22K?

We do pay a lot for health insurance, and then there are the taxes that come out...and a small contribution to my (NON-MATCHED) 401k. But wow, combine that with the checks that DH gets from his settlement...that's 2 people, living in a fairly high COLA, on about $42K.

No wonder I feel like crap...and people think I'm being silly, or overreacting about money. Or I get "money's tight for everyone." That might be true, but most people can cut back...or they chose to buy a house, go on vacation, spend on credit cards.

We're doing the "right" thing...and not getting ahead.

I really hope 2009 is a better year for this household. We need it. Most people fear odd years (some superstition, I guess), but for me and DH, odd years have been good ones.

2003--we met
2004--DH's mom dies suddenly, DH almost dies in his accident
2005--DH is all better, I change jobs and am SUPREMELY happy
2006--we get engaged (OK, that's a good thing, lol), I take a new job and am miserable.
2007--we get married!!! go to Hawaii!!! I get promoted.
2008--DH gets laid off...


Here are my wishes for 2009:

1) DH to find a job. Something that isn't back-breaking or spirit-crushing. But something. Because he's getting scared that he's not going to find anything. It's been 10 months now, lots of interviews over the summer, but none in awhile. LOTS of applications put out.

2) Me to get healthier. I know, everyone makes some kind of resolution like this, but I really need to. Not a joke.

3) Me to find some happiness and peace in my current situation instead of trying to get out. If that means taking a class, so be it. If it means I give up TV once a week to go out to a group/club meeting, so be it.


That's all. Very simple wishes, but who knows how hard they'll be to achieve?

Happy New Year, everyone.

I think I am one of the working poor.

And it sucks. I really think the middle class is now the working poor. Or something. I might be over-dramatizing this, but sheesh.

I make an "OK" salary I guess (a little over $37K), but I wish I was paid more. I know, we all wish that. I dunno, I just feel like I worked hard throughout my life and went to a great school and all of that. Maybe this is a little bit of the entitlement monster sneaking out? When I started at my current job 2 years ago, I started out at $28K, so I guess increasing my salary by 9K in 2 yrs is pretty good? I don't know much about these things--salaries, getting paid what you should be getting, etc.

What bothers me mostly is after health insurance comes out, and taxes, and the bills are paid, there is very little for savings or fun/leisure. So I spend my free time doing things like cleaning and laundry and all of that...and then I stress because I never have any time for exploring my hobbies or interests. Or hell, even just sitting at the kitchen table staring into space.

Wait, I'm writing this blog entry, so it's not like I live a life of complete drudgery, lol.

And we have no debt, or crazy bills to pay--this is important to remember. But still, I just feel that things that could make my life easier are not possible. That we'll never be ahead, and I'll just go from work to chores at home and back to work.

Our bills are pretty straightforward, too:

• rent
• phone/cell/internet
• electric (which includes heat)
• cable (we have a pretty cheap plan, too...not the cheapest, though, ha)
  
• gym memberships
• food
• gas
• the random things needed at Target, Walmart, CVS
  
• copays for dr's visits and RX's
  
• and then the bills that come every so often, like car taxes or car insurance

I am happy that I don't have to write things like: student loans or credit card X, Y, AND Z...but it would be nice to have more to show for me doing "the right thing" you know?

I have thought about going back to school...because a lot of times you have to go back to school to earn more money...but I'm not sure what I'd go back for, nor am I sure that it would equal more money. Unless I changed fields 100% and you never know if you'll have to start out at a super low salary. I don't want to go backwards!!!!

In a perfect world, I'd love to have a cleaning person and a laundry person...then I could spend my free time doing FUN things! There is no perfect world though.

I think I'd feel better if this apartment were a bit bigger or if we didn't have so much stuff and few places to put it all...maybe I'd feel a bit more proactive about taking care of our space, or that it wouldn't look so packed. I'm actually embarrassed to have people over, because we have things everywhere...there's no place to put them all. Wedding gifts in the kitchen still, fishing rods in the half bath so the cats won't get to them, snow shovels by the door....argh!

Merry Christmas, a day late

Some interesting things happened over the past few days to my family, and since this blog is mostly anonymous, I'll post them here:

1) My aunt's car was broken into on Tuesday and the presents she had for her little nieces and nephews were stolen. WTF? SO NOT THE CHRISTMAS SPIRIT!!!!! Thankfully she was not hurt and the car wasn't too damaged (just the passenger window was broken) so all will be OK. She will probably get reimbursed by the insurance company for the stolen items, but her coworkers took up a collection and gave her money so she could replace the stolen gifts. My cousins were so good about it too, telling her that it wasn't about the presents. They are getting so grown up!

2) After Midnight Mass on Christmas Eve, DH's grandmother decides to have a confessional and lets out a huge family secret to just DH and I. (other people know this, they just weren't there) She told us that when she was 16, still living in the "Old Country", she was raped by a Russian soldier (occupying her country) and got pregnant with DH's mom. DH and I had guessed that something like this had happened--the age difference between his mom and grandma, how they had the same maiden names, etc. But we never knew for sure--actually we'd thought that maybe his grandmother had gotten herself into "trouble" at a young age and didn't get married. Who would have thought? This certainly puts a different spin on things. Poor DH's grandmother, especially back then when there wasn't help for these things.



Otherwise, Christmas was pretty good...our families were very generous this year with money and gifts. I got a little stressed out on Christmas day, but I need to learn to chill the eff out. I had a hilarious time at my parents' house with my two cousins from my dad's side (it's just the 4 of us for grandchildren on that side) who are in their early 20s, listening to the hijinx that they encounter in life.

I don't know what to call this post...

but it has to do with my family and my husband and how they get along...

I'm very upset...and I've been crying, my stomach's been in knots, feeling depressed about it, etc. Right now, I'm OK, but jeez, I hate conflict.

Thankfully it's not my parents. It has to do with two of my uncles (one on either side of the family) and my brother...and comments that they've said to my husband.

Now, DH has been through a lot in the past 5 years or so...and had dealt with some crap even when he was younger. We all do...and it makes its impact on us, and defines how our lives turn out. He might be a bit more sensitive to certain things...or comments that people might say. We all have our "buttons" that bother us when pushed.

So anyway, my two uncles have made comments about DH still not working...and yes, it bothers him. Both the comments and the fact that it's 9 months with no job offers. [Applications and interviews, but no offers. It's not like he's sitting around, enjoying this "vacation."] My Uncle D asked his question innocently and DH let him know how it made him feel, and I think that he felt badly...but my other uncle, Uncle J? He's like a freaking dog with a bone. He just keeps pushing and pushing...and it's soooooo rude and annoying. GRAAAAA I just want to scream! DH has tried to avoid Uncle J at family gatherings, and tried to keep any convos short and to the point. But my uncle won't give up. Why doesn't he understand that DH is in criminal justice, not law enforcement? And that he CAN'T be a cop b/c of his injuries?? And that he IS looking for ANYTHING that's available??? GRRRRR. Thankfully we don't see him too often, he lives way on the other side of the state (almost 2 hrs away). I don't know why people can't just let things rest.

My Aunt N (sister of Uncle J and my mom) put it this way: Uncle J and his wife, Aunt D, are pretty ignorant about things and haven't had much worldly experience. All they care about is work, and making money and buying things to show off with that money. Whereas people like DH and I get that there's more in life than working and material crap. And we also "get" that some subjects are really sensitive to people...and not to discuss them, or you wait until the people bring them up. For instance, I would never ask a young couple "So where's the babies???" To people like Uncle J and Aunt D, it's just making conversation, and it's also all they know. When I was single, Aunt D would always ask if I had a boyfriend, was I dating, etc. Now that we're married, she asks about when we're buying a house and having kids. It's like, all she knows is a "Platonic Form" of life--work, houses, marriage, babies...

Last night, my brother came over to have dinner and watch The Dark Knight. Everything was GREAT (and we even told my brother how DH loves him like a brother, sometimes more than DH's OWN brother)...until later on when were were talking about jobs and careers. My brother might be going for his CDL (the license you need to drive big rigs) and DH commented sort of off the cuff "Oh maybe I'll do that too..." My brother made a comment about DH's stomach not fitting behind the wheel and that just set off the evening...my brother did say that he too has trouble behind the wheel...but it was just downhill from there. My brother soon left and DH was upset...so I ran out after my brother to talk to him about what happened and how DH was feeling like crap.

Yes, DH has a big stomach, but it's not fat...it's scar tissue from the accident. And hello, my brother is over 300lbs!!! My brother didn't understand why it made him feel badly...in my brother's own, innocent little mind, he thought he was doing DH a "favor." [My brother is quite sheltered, at 27 he has yet to do much with his life...he's also behind, socially and has learning disabilities.] So I was crying, my brother was crying, I'm trying to explain WHY you cannot say things to people about their size/weight...EVER!

I go back inside, DH is still upset, doesn't want to go to Christmas with my family, is tired of my family giving him grief, etc. I'm upset because DH has had a lot of crap happen to him in life, my family needs to STFU and learn some sensitivity, and again, I hate conflict and just want EVERYONE to get along and just behave.

Is that so much to ask??????

What I'm thankful for...

Yes, it's after Thanksgiving. I was busy last week! LOL

1. DH. (and the fact that he's a great cook...if I were laid off, God only knows what we'd be eating, lol)

2. our kitties--those three little furballs make our days and bring lots of fun into our lives!

3. a roof over our heads

4. NO DEBT WHATSOEVER. Besides the monthly bills like rent and utilities. We don't owe anyone anything.

5. two cars that run very well.

6. my job--I may bitch about it, but it's a steady paycheck, gives us benefits, and hey, it's somewhere to go every day, lol.

7. enough food to eat

8. clothes and shoes to wear

9. family that loves us and supports us

10. good health...most days.

Yesterday at Target....

Who do I see? The COP from the trial!!!!! I was at the check out and he was by the exit; I'm pretty sure he saw me, because he was talking to someone and they were both kinda facing the check outs and then he turned away as I was walking towards him. Could have been a coincidence (him turning) but I was like, what are the odds that I'd see him again...and so soon? I wanted to ask him what the results were but I figured it was best to just let it go.

And this morning, I checked the state's Judicial Branch website and it says VERDICT FOR DEFENDANT. Whoo hoo!!!!!!! Very happy to hear that, and that's how I would have voted/ruled/whatever had I been on the real jury.

I just wonder what was going on in that jury room after I left...how the deliberations went down, if it was clear-cut, if people had to "coerce" others, etc. The other alternate and I discussed things and we came to our agreement pretty quickly. When you looked at the charges that the plaintiff was allegedly saying that the defendant did, it was a pretty weak case. There might have been some discrepancies as to the information on hand, but when it came down to the charge of malice or intent, there wasn't any of that. I still believe that the cop was doing his duty when he found the plaintiff might have been violating his parole. The end.

School

I was reading a blog over here the other day, and actually commented on one of the posts about how I didn't finish two masters degrees.

Ooops.

That led me to do some thinking about the degrees.

Why I started them. Why I didn't finish them.

When I started them, I had good intentions of finishing them. Perhaps I even had delusions of grandeur of doing something great with them. What happened? Why didn't I finish? I don't know.

It's a little embarrassing, but I try not to think about it too much--the fact that I didn't finish. I know I'm smart enough to get into graduate school. The problem is...I'm not smart enough to know what I want to do once I get there!

I love learning. I hate that you have to pay for it, most of the time...unless you teach yo' self. Which actually isn't a bad idea...I mean, kids get homeschooled every day. If I wanted to learn something...and it was easy to read up on it or study it, then it couldn't be too hard, right? If I wanted to, I don't know, take up WELDING, for instance, then yeah, I'd need to study with someone...someone who could teach me how to do it safely, lol. Knowing me, I'd start a fire.

Anyway, I started two grad programs.

Program the first--a masters in American Studies. I majored in AMS in college and LOOOVED it. It was a great major, and left a lot of my friends jealous due to the types of classes I took. Classes like Food and American Culture. Women and the American Experience. A class about the neighborhood in which my college was located.

Senior year of college, I was pretty much set on NOT working after graduation. I wanted to keep learning about AMS, go to grad school, and become a professor. I wanted to inspire and share knowledge with people, much like my professors had done for me. So I got accepted by one school, even though I'd applied to a ton. I moved to that city and did one semester. I didn't like the courses--they weren't what I'd though they'd be. There was a ton of reading and I didn't know how to get all of it done. I wasn't doing well on my papers. I also didn't know what I'd do when I finished. I just wasn't feeling it. Not to mention, I missed my friends, wasn't making any in this new area, etc.

I left after that semester.

Program the second--a masters in Health Care Administration. After I'd left the first program, moved home and gotten my first "real" job, one of my former undergrad professors hired me to work with him as a research assistant on a book he was writing about the American health care system. I developed a passion for learning everything I could about this subject. I wanted to study about it more. So I thought the best thing would be to go to school for it.

I found a local university that had the degree, and started taking classes. While I did well in them and liked them very much, I had met my now-husband and found that he was having trouble getting work in his field, even though he'd received a masters degree from the same university I was now attending. I realized that I needed some practical experience in the field if I was to get a masters and expect a job. Maybe I didn't look very hard, maybe I was lazy, but I had a hard time finding a job that would hire someone transitioning fields.

So I gave up school again. This time around, DH was recovering from the bad accident that almost killed him, I was having problems at my job (and wanted to quit), so those were things that definitely influenced me on why I quit.

Why am I posting about this...now? I don't know, the whole jury duty thing really stirred up something inside of me. I realized that I don't really DO anything...I work, but I'm not really into it. I want to have a purpose. That sounds so stupid in print, but it's how I feel. I don't really have any interests, any thing that drives me.

Then I feel stuck because I can't just pick up and move, or quit my job to try something different. I've always had something (be it a person or a reason or a fear) that kept me back. Not all of these somethings are bad or unwanted...they just shape your life differently...so that you can't just do what you want.

Whoops

Forgot to say what the case was about!

It was a civil case--this guy, who had been arrested while out on parole, was suing a police officer from his town. The plaintiff was claiming that the arrest was done maliciously and it caused him to be improperly imprisoned for an additional year (he'd gone back to jail only FOUR MONTHS after being out after 8 yrs). He was claiming that his civil rights were violated, etc. First off, the cop didn't even arrest this guy. All he did was call the man's parole officer, letting him know he'd violated the conditions of parole.

Had I been able to deliberate, I would have sided with the cop. The cop had taken a complaint by the man's ex-wife, who saw the guy walking down her street, when the guy was told, BY HIS PAROLE OFFICER, NOT TO GO DOWN HIS WIFE'S STREET OR ANYWHERE NEAR HER. Those were some of the conditions of his parole. She saw him go by like 6-8 times, and he did call her once (another violation)--she was willing to let all of this go, not a big deal...but around Christmas time that year (this was a few yrs ago) she got this cryptic Christmas card and went to the cops. She thought it was from her ex-husband and had enough of his antics.

Her going to the police led the officer to call the PO, who then decided to arrest the man. NOT the cop. The cop did later charge the man with some offenses, but the real reason he went back to prison was because he violated his parole. He did NOT follow instructions. He was really cocky on the stand too. The defendant's attorney said that he was a control freak and that he didn't like being told not to do XYZ and he thought he'd get away with it. There was definitely a jilted lover vibe--the plaintiff, years ago, had shot the man with whom his wife was having an affair. Right in front of her as the two lovers were leaving work. The guy was hurt pretty badly too.

I'm not sure from where the Christmas originated, but come on, if you are terrified of your ex and he's recently out of jail, then you see him walking by, he calls, and then you get a creepy card...you can pretty much assume that it's from him, and you're scared that you might be hurt next...so you go to the cops. The cop was doing his job, to protect the public...and there was some documentation about a protective order against the victims. So he did what he thought, at the time, was the right thing and called the PO. The cop might have been a bit mixed up--some of the information we heard in court was contradictory--was it a court order protective order? Was it NOT court ordered? Was that the correct name of the person? etc.

So yeah, that's what went down. I'm so curious as to how my fellow jurors decided!!!!

jury duty is over...

...and now I can talk about it! :-)

First off, I'm a little sad that it's over. I met some nice people...even the judge was nice, and then it's over *poof!* just like that. As an alternate, I had to leave pretty quickly and didn't really get to say goodbye to anyone. The other alternate and I left together and talked about the case. We felt similarly in how we viewed the plaintiff and the defendant, AND we were both a little upset that we couldn't stay until the end. What was cool, however, was that the other guy and I were brought into the courtroom so that the judge could excuse us and thank us for our service. He said something about how the system is set up and how it frustrates him, because he knew how much we gave (paying attention, being there, etc). I was smiling, because I felt the same way.

What made me feel good, and this is going to sound weird, but they wanted me. The lawyers and the judge, I mean. One of the attorneys made careful note of where I went to college, even said something like, "oh so you're a [insert mascot here]?" and he also drew attention to the fact that I have a lot of schooling. He acknowledged my intelligence, which is something very few people do.

I mean, I know I'm smart/intelligent, so does DH, my family, my friends...but when a stranger can tell that from just meeting you for a few moments, it gives you a great feeling. I value my education highly and sometimes, especially at work, I don't feel like much credit is given to those with a college education. I know it's business and they really don't give a shit, but I did work hard and loved learning things. I still do, so that's probably why I enjoyed jury duty so much. It was a glimpse into another world. A chance for me to learn something new, to see something different.

But now I want more. More of what, though? I don't know, exactly. I almost feel like going back to school now (yes, again).

I have a headache

and I hate it.

I ate. Carbs, protein, even a little sugar.

I drank. Beer and milk...no, not together, hours apart.

I relaxed on the couch, in front of the TV.

I was alone, because DH is hunting with his Dad.

The cats won't even hang with me, wtf? lol

Good night, going to bed to sleep this off.

How I feel about work right now...

Warning: some of you might have read this before, elsewhere ;-)

This is so totally random, but I had to get it off of my chest.

I really enjoyed this vacation, and I really don't want to go back to work. I know I have to, I'm a big girl and there's no other option available to me. I'll probably go back in on Friday--I'm an alternate, so unless something happens with one of the "regular" jurors, I'm off the hook.

I could bitch and whine more about how I don't like working, but since I enjoyed my juror experience so much, I am trying to think of ways to incorporate what I liked about this into my work life.

The office gets me too stressed out. I even want to cry right now, thinking about the things I've missed, what I have to do when I get back. I definitely need some balance. I don't know if I'm crazy/off the mark with trying to carry some of this stuff over, but at least I know what I need during my day (life?) to make me happy. And if I can't get it at this current job, then I'll know what to look for in the future.

What I enjoyed, and would like more of in my day-to-day:

1. the discipline--I've enjoyed having a definitive start time every day and knowing what I was supposed to do. If you can't tell, a big part of my work stress comes from feeling like I'm being pulled in a million directions, no one knows what anyone else is doing, etc.

2. the hour long lunches! I could actually relax. And do something besides stuff my face. I actually ate and read, then worked on my needlepoint.

3. the QUIET--oh my god, it's been fabulous. I could think. My mind wasn't racing in a million directions.


How I can achieve this:

1. No effing clue. I've asked for agendas, for help prioritizing my work, but new things continuously pop up and then I feel like I get nothing accomplished. Or, I feel like I'm constantly running to my boss to ask him to re-prioritize things. I wish I could just "start fresh" and get rid of everything extraneous, but I have projects and things from September that still aren't complete because of new, more pressing, matters. Drives me insane.

I don't even know what I can say, if I can say anything at all, to my boss without sounding whiny, insubordinate, difficult, or anything else. It's easy to try not to let anything bother me, but it's my job, and I want to do a good one...but I don't want to feel stressed about everything.

The only thing I CAN control is when I get in and when I leave...and since this is basically left up to me, it's hard because most of the time I don't want to be there at all.

2. I don't think this is possible to arrange. We don't really have set work times to begin with (hi, no discipline) and the "rule" is 1/2 hour for lunch. We don't have a real break room, which is annoying. All we've got is a big dining table and chairs (think of boardroom furniture, lol) in an open space right near my cube area.

All I want it some space and peace/quiet when I eat or take a break. We're all mashed in tightly and it's right near my desk, so half of the time I don't even take a real lunch b/c it's like why bother? Plus, there's no escaping anyone.

The only way around this, I think, is to eat in my car, but that's pretty ridiculous.

3. This is a huge issue of mine. I need it quiet to work, to focus, to get stuff done. Instead, I'm in a cube in a "garage" and I'm right on the walkway that leads from the back door to the main door so I hear the FedEx/UPS guys, the smokers, the people who are coming/going in/out...then I've got the library sales BOYS (who are literally 22 and 23 years old) goofing off in between sales calls or yelling/peering over cube walls. This is not the dorm!

I usually listen to my headphones and try to block out the noise, but it can only help so much. And sometimes I need to work without music, to better focus. I'm not asking for it to be absolutely silent, but people should not be yelling either. I've talked to my boss about the noise, but little, if anything, is done. Sometimes I feel like I'm this crazy old lady who needs things like a study hall!



I hate feeling stuck, like there really is no alternative. I don't know what else I can ask for or suggest to remedy how I feel about going back. Grr.

Jury Duty

Some of you already know this...but yesterday I had jury duty. Annnnnnd I was selected for a jury which begins today. So I will be out of work through the middle of next week (should be a 4 or 5 day civil trial). My boss is not pleased, but what can I do? If I don't show up, I could be away from worker longer...as in arrested and charged with contempt of court. Not good! I'm trying to stay on top of things as much as I can at night and over this weekend, but we'll see. DH thinks I'm crazy for doing work at night/weekends but this is my job. I can't just be like "oh well, whatever." And, it's not as if my boss does my stuff while I'm gone. So whatever isn't done...literally doesn't get done. But I think that DH should go in my place--he's not working! Ironic.

Part of me is pleased that I was picked...I think it'll be an interesting learning experience. I'm a dork! DH said that I got picked because I'm smart and well-educated. Um, and too honest! Catholic guilt or what? ;-)

Must be a family thing, because my mom was picked awhile back, but didn't have to serve--the case settled out of court at the 11th hour. As I need to be at court in less than 2 hours, I'm thinking the trial is ON like Donkey Kong.

This is funny to me and other local people, but when I entered the courtroom and saw the defendant's attorney, I wanted to laugh. He's a well-known lawyer who does a lot of high-profile cases. So well-known that when I said that exact phrase to my psychologist last night, she said his name immediately. Since we were in the confidentiality of a therapy appointment, I said yes. Hahahaha.

I will be back later to chronicle my first day on the jury.

religion stuff...

I'm not one to talk a lot about my faith. It's just something I keep pretty private, not because I'm ashamed or anything. It's always been something I've kept to myself. Even going to a Catholic college, lol.

Part of it does have to do with the fact that I know not everyone is Catholic...and not everyone is religious! Part of it is me not wanting to look like some Bible thumper or that I'm perfect/better than everyone else...because I certainly am not. I don't know, it's just one of those things I don't discuss. DH and I talk about it, that's a given. In my mind, it's important for spouses to be able to share these things. We aren't the people who pray before meals at restaurants (but if you do that, more power to ya!)--we are private.

Anyway, years ago, when DH was recovering from his accident, he prayed to St. Michael the Archangel a LOT, for support and strength. St. Michael is often portrayed as a warrior--he does look pretty cool. When it came time to choose a wedding date, we chose September 29. I was doing some random research before we got married and I found out that our wedding date is St. Michael's feast day in the Roman rite. Pretty interesting! But in DH's rite (he's Byzantine Catholic) St. Michael's feast day is November 8. So that's why we were at church twice in a weekend.

There have been some other weird coincidences with St. Michael. 1) DH was going to be a cop before his accident, and he's the patron saint of police officers. 2) He's also the patron saint of the sick--and DH was pretty badly injured.

If we are lucky to have a son, we have a name picked out...and yes, the middle name will be Michael.

This one is for A+

So A+ told me that she likes my blog and my posts. But why? I don't think I'm very interesting!!! lol

Many people blog about their weekends. Here's what I did during my last weekend. Judge for yourself...

Friday--got home kinda early, scarfed down some leftovers and then we dashed off to DH's family's church that's about an hour away, as it was St. Michael the Archangel's feast day. In his rite, that is. In the Roman rite, it's our anniversary ;-) (hmmm, this reminds me of a future blog entry). Then we tried to go to the Yankee Candle store but it had closed. We were bummed since we had coupons for "buy 2 candles, get 2 free." Went to Barnes and Noble. I got I Can Has Cheezburger and DH got a book by Guy Fieri (from Food Network). Made our way back home, stopped at a diner where I ate a real cheeseburger, lol.

Saturday--got up, procrastinated around the house for a bit, then went to see Grandpa at "the home." Went to the gym, came home, showered, went to Mass (we usually don't go so close together, lol), came home again, cooked dinner, then started a night of crazy amounts of laundry. and watched TV.

Sunday--got up and procrastinated some more (sense a pattern here?), then we dumped out all of our pots into the woods and cleaned up the deck. This was a good move on our part because today (Monday) someone came through the complex and used a leaf blower to get rid of the excess leaves. Did some other chores around the house, then we went to my parents for dinner. Got gas on the way home, came home and got ready for the next day.

So there you have it. A weekend in the life of GirlWednesday. This is why I don't blog a lot. I'm boring!!! lol

Facebook stuff

SO WEIRD. And such a small world.

Shortly after I joined FB, I saw that one of my coworkers had a friend who looked like a guy I used to work with. Sure enough, it was the same guy...and they are cousins.

I got a notification today that this same coworker has a new friend...and the name looked familiar. So I check that guy's profile out. It's the ex-boyfriend of a former friend of mine. Too weird. The coworker and the ex-boyfriend grew up in the same town, so it's pretty easy to figure out how they know each other.

This ex-boyfriend guy is also friends with a girl with whom I went to HS!!!!! Now I'm wondering, how do the two of them know each other??? Crazy!

Another FB friend of mine...her husband knows two people with whom I went to HS...one guy through some internet thing they did back in the early days of internetting, and the girl through a mutual friend. WEIRD!

consideration

I am not a perfect person. Sometimes I'm snarky, even bitchy. But I do have a good heart, somewhere deep down there, and I try to do good things.

Two things happened to me and DH today that left me shaking my head...mostly at the lack of consideration on the parts of others.

1) I HATE it when people do NOT come get their sh*t out of the washers or dryers. DH was talking to me earlier (on the phone) and when we hung up, he was like,"oh gotta go put the stuff in the dryer." Later on, he signed on IM and was like, "so the laundry? Not in the dryers yet b/c some f*cker's stuff is STILL in there...it's been over TWO HOURS." So I asked him if the stuff was still warm, he said no. I told him, "OK, I'm gonna be the laundry room nazi now...they didn't get their stuff and it's cooled off, so it's been LONG enough. Take it out, put it on top of the dryer or on that little table." SERIOUSLY! Don't do laundry if you don't have time/can't remember to come get it or switch it around. Other people have to do their laundry too. There are 4 of each machine in the laundry room and all 4 dryers were full of someone's sh*t. Four years of college and I never dealt with such a horrible laundry situation as this, adults, living in condos. GRRR. 2) Late invitations. Today is Wednesday. We just got an invite, TODAY, in the MAIL, for a party on Saturday night. Not a "hey come over for some beer and pizza" party...someone's after the wedding, wedding reception. At a country club. WTF???? Could you give us some notice? DH needs to get his hair cut, he doesn't really have anything to wear (neither do I but I'll throw something together), we have to get a gift. ARGH!!!! This is DH's lawyer, who helped out IMMENSELY with his lawsuit. If it weren't for that, and for the fact that his and his now-wife came to our wedding, we would SOOOO not be going. Please, people, be considerate!!!!!

the past should stay the past

SERIOUSLY. Why do "bad" memories have their way of coming out at times? I put bad in quotes because there are worse things out there that have happened to people, so this is pretty minor if you think about it.

Last night, I started talking with DH about college, freshman year especially, and how crappy it was. I don't even know how it came out, really. I forgot what we were talking about when we came upon this subject. I'm sure a LOT of people have similar stories about making friends, losing them, being lonely on a Friday/Saturday/Tuesday/whatever night while your roommate/s go out and stay out wicked late, trying to find your way amidst different groups of people where you don't really fit in, whatever the case may be.

But it made me feel SO horrible, talking about it. And here it is, over 12 hours later and I still feel crappy. That was OVER 10 years ago, I can't go back, I can't change who my roommates were. I can't change that I was shy and didn't know that you were supposed to go around and introduce yourself (yeah, I thought people would come to ME). I didn't know that the "uniform" was cute clothes from American Eagle or A&F.

And, in the end, things DID get better. This is most important to remember! Eventually, I did meet people, some with whom I am still REALLY tight today. Sure, we lost some of our group along the way to graduation, but that happened over truly dumb stuff (hello, housing lottery! Or, someone got a boyfriend) and what matters is, by the time Christmas break rolled around that year, I didn't want to go home for a month. Out of fear I'd lose those friends I'd just made.

I guess I just remembered that pain of feeling like you didn't matter to anyone and you'd never feel at home...and I REALLY felt it this time. Like I was suddenly back in my dorm room, on a Friday night, listening to music, exploring this thing called the internet (haha!), while one roommate escaped to the peace of home and the other was out boozing it up. (I have to laugh now because the two of them did not return sophomore year.)

I still think that old things like this should stay buried, because the memories can catch you off-guard and you are suddenly sad but can't really explain why. Maybe some of the tears or feelings are out of gratitude for those who you did meet and had fun times with...and for yourself, that you got through it and you survived.

I'm baaaaack

Philly was a lot of fun. It was GREAT to get away with the husband, the food was awesome (I didn't think I could eat that many cheese steaks, lol), the weather was ehh (very humid, sorta rainy), we saw a lot of historical stuff, etc.

And now I'm back. And in need of a change, work-wise. I don't know what to do, and I feel very scared to even thinking about a change, given the economy and my husband's (non) work situation.

Oy. I think I need another vacation!

And we're off!

Tomorrow DH and I leave for our trip to Philadelphia. Our first anniversary is Monday, and we'll be coming home then.

So I won't be around. Don't miss me too much. I'll be too busy eating cheesesteaks to miss you.

XOXO, girlwednesday

high school reunion thoughts

My HS reunion is the Friday night after Thanksgiving (as are many HS reunions).

I am nervous about going. I have replied (via Facebook, gotta love technology!) as a maybe.

Will I end up going? I don't know.

While I talked to a lot of different people IN school, I lost touch with so many of them afterwards. I was never into the drinking scene really--you know, when everyone comes home for the weekend or Thanksgiving and heads to a the local bar. It's like school provided me with the support system for socializing, and after we all left that, it was hard for me, personally, to keep in touch.

And there was also my battle with depression and anxiety which probably affected how I communicated and socialized with people. That bothers me, but only now, after so many years have passed. I can't go back and change what has happened...I can only move forward and try not to let those things impede future relationships.

Now I look up various classmates' Facebook profiles and see how many people from town they still keep in touch with. And I feel weird because I don't keep in touch with THAT many people (or many people at all) or I don't have a huge circle. I look at the people from my class who are on there, who I could "befriend" and I think..."Why? What do I have to say to them?" Besides the "Hey, how are you" variety of chit chat. And a lot of these people I knew since I was five years old.

But then I think about WHY I might not keep in touch with so many people...
1. I didn't stay in town after high school. I went away to college. So many of my classmates went to the local CC or two of the local state universities.
2. I didn't immediately come right back after college. I lived in Boston for about 6 months.
3. I don't go out to the bars in town! That should be obvious as to why I don't have so many local connections! lol
4. I don't go out to other town events, really. I'm a homebody in my "old" age.

I used to go out in town, but that was before I lived with DH. When I lived on my own, I had a friend and we would go out and do stuff...but then she got jealous of my relationship, and I had to cut her out because she was just getting inappropriate. After I moved in with DH, we had a wedding to plan and our own stuff to deal with, so it wasn't a time for going out and having tons of fun. Also, back when I was living on my own, DH was still recovering from his accident, and a lot of my free time was spent with him.

This helps me to relax a bit and not to think of myself as some weirdo or freak. I truly think it bothers me because I still live here. If I'd moved away to California or stayed in Boston, I probably wouldn't be as weirded out by this. I think my own isolation (or whatever you want to call it) is making me think of myself as odd. It's easy to fall into a rut and it's hard to get out of one.

The events which have transpired since I left college--finding a job, getting through some depressive episodes, meeting DH, his accident/recovery stuff (which takes longer than anyone really thinks), switching jobs, getting engaged/married, etc.--all of these things have changed my life and how I live it and how I interact with others. And I'm sure everyone has had things happen in their lives, too...things that have made them change, for better or worse.

I actually feel GUILTY or BADLY for letting some relationships fall to the wayside. Or for not cultivating new ones. I know it shouldn't be like that, but I can't help it especially when a lot of it was not my fault. And now, when I have opportunities to get out there and reconnect, I get stuck. I let fear get in the way. Fear of what? Fear of the unknown of course! Fear of looking dumb or not being the same. Fear of rejection. General shyness of not knowing what to say, really.

I bet I'm not the only one who is like this, either. At least I hope not.

Will I end up going to the reunion? I don't know. I just don't know.

HUNGRY!

So this new eating plan is great and all, but, I do get REALLY hungry.

Like right now.

My body is BURNING off that protein like whoa. Which is good b/c I'd like to lose some more weight.

I should just have a glass of water, take my allergy meds, and GET TO BED.

more health news

The other day, DH and I almost had a little scare. No, not THAT kind. ;-) But related.

I almost had to stop taking the pill.

Please, no flames. DH and I are soooo not ready to be parents (for many reasons) so we think that's doing the "right" thing...and not leaving things up to chance. Because, chances are (haha) we'd be even more screwed than we are right now, and that's not fair to a helpless, delicate little baby. (although I did see a HS classmate's new baby's pics on facebook tonight and wanted to CRY, he was so beautiful)

ANYWHOO.

My blood pressure was being monitored for about 6 weeks now and I had made some SERIOUS changes to my diet. My Dr. had called me a few days ago and wasn't 100% pleased with how my BP was registering (although it was going down) and was suggesting that I go off of the pill...so of course, I freaked. DH freaked.

It was like, here I am, doing the right thing...I weaned off of the meds for depression/anxiety (and am doing REALLY well, btw, surprisingly), I went back on the food plan I was supposed to be following...and it wasn't enough.

So DH and I looked at what I was doing and what I still could be doing. I started drinking a small glass of red wine every night. I cut back on the caffeine. I planned to start back at the gym, every other day, to do some cardio...

Fortunately, when I called the Dr. to follow up on the voice mail she'd left me the other day, the receptionist asked me if I wanted to come in today, instead of in a few weeks.

I went this morning, very nervous, expecting her to tell me to get off the pill RIGHT NOW.

Well. Looks like my hard work is starting to pay off.

I'm down 8lbs by her scale (I'm averaging about a pound a week) and my BP was VERY good, even sitting right there in her office. She was so happy to hear what I had done (and my new plans after her phone call) and she's so pleased with my progress. I can stay on the pill and, I even got a HUG at the end of the appointment!

I have never been hugged by a doctor before. It's SO nice to have a human touch in the medical field. She truly cares about my well-being.

Now, to lose the rest of the weight...but I'll keep on keepin' on. That's why I started going back to the gym. Plus, it'll help me all-around.

dreams

I hardly remember my dreams. It's like I wake up and all memories of me sleeping are gone.

Anyway, the past few weeks, I've been dreaming about my paternal grandmother. Who has been dead for 16 years as of yesterday. It's weird. I can't explain WHY I've been dreaming about her. Is she trying to tell me something from beyond the grave? I guess there could be some psychoanalysis type of reasoning for my dreaming about her, especially since we were not close, and I do have some unresolved issues with/from her...but sheesh.

Mostly the dreams revolve around her dying...like I'm at my grandparents' house, and everyone's telling me to come see her (FWIW, she died in the hospital).

I'm not creeped out by the death stuff...it's just weird, that all of a sudden, I'm dreaming about something like this.

Amazon's Kindle

I have seen one, in person...and have sorta used it (for a few minutes). It was a work-related thing.

However, I have not seen one in public. Nor, do I know anyone who owns one.

Yet, Amazon says they are selling like hotcakes. WHO OWNS A KINDLE!?!?!?

Artichoke Dreams mentioned a Kindle in her post...that's what made me think about blogging about it.

I work in the publishing industry. I read a lot of books, and read about even more.

Again, who owns a Kindle? Not I.

Shoplifters!

Today, DH and I had a crime-stopping adventure.

We went to the local grocery chain that's well known in New England. (Illini_Girl, don't know if they had them up in NH...but it's not Shaw's or Hannaford or Star.)

We're in the spice/baking aisle...and we see this older woman put something into a brown paper bag, and then something ELSE into her jacket pocket. I said to DH, "holy crap, that woman is STEALING!!!!!"

There happened to be an associate stocking the shelves nearby, so I calmly walked up to her and told her about that woman putting something into her pocket. The associate was like "hmmm, I don't know if I can do anything," but we saw her talk to the store manager, who then got this big dude (who was dressed up) involved. He must have been store security or something...but they were following her and watching her.

The big dude said to the manager, "Well, you know we can't do anything until she goes to leave." Then she left and the big dude followed her, but then she came back in, so I don't know WTF happened.

Still, it was pretty cool.

I'm still alive!

I've probably mentioned this before, but everything at work that's good, is blocked. No facebook, no myspace, no blogger, no message boards (for the most part)...not even food network! Seriously! It's crazy.

At home, I've been busy trying to relax and enjoy my down time and spend time with my husband. Work is always nutty, but I have been trying to dial it down a notch and NOT give it my all. Maybe then they'll see that I wasn't messing around and that I do need help with the work load.

Anyway, today I called in sick because of some issues that DH and I had. Not between us, thank God, this was something to do with the little bastard known as the stock market. See, DH was in a bad accident a few years ago, got a nice settlement from the person who injured him, and this money is in a structured settlement thingy (for lack of a better word, haha) with one of the big companies in the news these days. We were up all night, very upset, freaking out. As he's still unemployed, the monthly checks from this settlement were helping us get by. If that money suddenly disappeared, we'd be in BIG trouble. My salary cannot and would not support two people.

After a frantic call this morning to DH's lawyer, we quickly learned that all would be OK. PHEW! Now, for him to get a job...but that is out of our hands as well. Lots of interviews, no bites. It's upsetting. For him--he feels like a failure, he's bored, he feels like he'll never get anywhere in his career. For me--I want him to be doing something, so he doesn't feel like crap, and I get a bit jealous and resentful b/c he can stay home. For us--he feels like a bad husband, and I just hate being the sole breadwinner and the one who is responsible for everything right now. This has taken a toll on the both of us...and for it to happen during the first year of marriage, it sucks even more.

A lot of people like to weigh in on this, giving me advice. Until you have been there, it's hard to give REALLY sound advice. It's easy to say "oh try XYZ company" or "has he thought about just doing some part time retail job?" The economy sucks, people.

Here are some funny exchanges with people about my DH's job stuff...

Bossman: How's the job search going?
Me: Oh fine, thanks for asking...it's going.
Bossman: (incredulously) You aren't nagging at him?!?!
Me: Uhhh no...I can't make people hire him.
Boss: Oh...wow...well (mutters something)

Are you SERIOUS??? As if me nagging would help him to find a job, or get someone to higher him faster? It doesn't work like that, buddy.

My mom: What would (DH) like for his birthday?
Me: A job.
Mom: No, seriously.
Me: I AM serious. He doesn't need anything else.

C'mon mom, you know me (and him) better than this!


I actually had to tell a friend of mine last week that as much as I appreciated her concern, I didn't want to talk to her about DH's job stuff anymore. It was like every time she contacted me, the first thing she'd ask was "So how's the job search?"

SHUT UP. PLEASE.

Now I know how women who have issues getting pregnant feel when every time they talk to someone, all they want to do is talk babies. It hurts. It's annoying. It makes you angry. It makes you feel guilty, like you have to cover for your husband, so people don't think he's a slacker or lazy. Or unmotivated.

I try not to take people's suggestions/comments *too* personally, but it's hard. My husband is my family and if you say something about him, it hurts me too.

Grrr, I just wish there was a way out of this.

work ethic

What do you do when the people with whom you work fairly closely have a different work ethic than you?

How do you manage not to get stressed out and freak when people do things differently?

How do you not become taken advantage of? Or make sure everyone is treated fairly and equally?

Grrrr....

health stuff update

So I lost about 7 lbs apparently! Go me! It's working!!!

lol

health stuff

Things are going OK in that area...but not 100% yet. On a positive note, my changed eating habits have shown some results in the weight department. My wedding band/engagement ring are looser, and my stomach is smaller. DH has even noticed.

So I'm making some kind of progress...gotta keep up the good work.

Our microwave is possessed!

The other night, as we sat down for dinner, our microwave turned on. No joke. It looked like someone was pushing the "beverage reheat" button. I got up and pushed the "stop" button. It went back on, doing the same thing...DH and I looked at each other, thinking WTF???? So then I went back to the microwave and opened the door, thinking that maybe it would stop the madness. Nope, the same thing kept going on--the buttons were being pushed by "something." Finally, DH got up and ripped the plug out of the wall.

Now we need a new microwave. This upset me since our microwave is only 6 years old. My parents have had the same one since I was 10 or 12! I guess they don't make things like they used to, lol.

Tomorrow we have to go buy a new one. This should be interesting.

Facebook

I'm on it now, yaaaayyy!

Now I've got to find everyone. Whoa.

John Edwards, wtf?

I don't think I've blogged about politics before...

Let me just say that I'm a Democrat by voter affiliation, but I have voted for Republicans and Independents and I don't always follow the "party line." I'm my own person, I only claimed Democrat b/c I wanted to vote in the primary a few years ago.

So that being said...WTF WERE YOU THINKING MR. EDWARDS????

He always looked a little too perfect, too polished for me. Too Bobby Kennedy. I'm never surprised when a politician says they had an affair (must come with the territory) but to do it while your wife is seriously ill????

WTF??? That just disgusts me. There are no words.

And I'll also cast some disgust over to Senator McCain. Who left his first wife after she was in a bad accident to marry Cindy the Stepford Alien Wife. Please. That disgusts me too.

Divorce is rarely ever good. Infidelity isn't great either. But to do either of those while your partner is sick/injured???? Talk about kicking someone when they are already down enough. Have some respect for them and yourself.

We have cable again!

Well, we always had cable...now we have BETTER cable!!!!

When we first moved in, I had had the service transferred from my old apartment to this place. I had "basic cable" at the old place--up to channel 30, I think? Roughly $13 a month...pretty basic, indeed. The landlords who lived here right before we moved in, had expanded basic, which is up to channel 100 or so.

Silly Comcast must have messed things up b/c for the longest time (like over a year) we had the landlord's cable at our price, haha. Then they came to do some work or something at the poll and we no longer had this sweet deal. Right around the time DH got laid off. So we decided not to get the cable "fixed" and just deal with limited channels.

But DH missed Versus and Food Network, and I missed HGTV and TLC...so we looked at the budget and figured we could afford to get it back. Yesterday I called and the woman at Comcast said that they had a guy out in our area today so we could get it right away.

Sure enough, the man called at 11 am and we are back in business! DH is watching some fishing show, happy as can be.

Just some thoughts at midnight...

I'm a bit annoyed...but I don't know what about exactly. I realized that many of blogs are sorta, I don't know, rambly and a little wistful? Not necessarily negative, but they could be seen that way.

I'm going through a rough patch, in regards to my physical health (and my mental health is probably being affected by this somewhat). I don't want to get into it right now, because it's long and sort of stupid. Maybe I'll post more about what's been going on, eventually. I'm not dying and I'll be okay...it's just not great for right now.

I don't know what else to blog about right now. I just feel so boring at times.

When it comes to work, I feel like that kid in school that no one really wants to talk to or get to know. I'm fine as a sounding board about the boss or to ask an opinion about layout or something...but I'm not included with the "group" for lunches or breaks or anything like that. I don't get it. People DO like me, people have liked me...just not at this job. I spend a lot of time on my own, doing my own thing...which is fine, but it gets old at times. I can't make people want to hang out with me. I've been told that perhaps I'm better off NOT being included because this group could be "dangerous." I just thought that work was one way to meet people...apparently not.

I'm really tired of looking at the dingy walls in this apartment. I wish we could paint. It looks so depressing to see that white/beige color that is standard in all places, apparently. We've been here almost 2 years and it probably should have been painted before we moved in, but oh well. It wasn't too bad then, but it is now. And the linoleum in kitchen? Always looks dirty, even after we scrub it. I want to brighten things up around here, but there's no way.

My tomatoes are finally turning orange and red so we've been picking them. I ate one at lunch today and it was really good. DH picked a few today and there should be some more coming in over the weekend (they are just a faint orange now).

I'm supposed to have coffee with a friend tomorrow and I don't want to go. It feels...I don't know...not organic anymore? It's just like we're two people in similar situations and we've known each other for a long time, so why not get together? But honestly, we're pretty different...and I get more intellectual/comical/whatever stimulation from people on message boards. Sad but true. It's like she doesn't have much personality or something. I almost feel guilty typing all of this out, because she's a very nice person and would never do anything to hurt anyone.

But I'll still go...because I haven't been out for coffee in forever.

This is ironic...

DH and I go to a diner close to our house quite a bit.

Last night, we ran out at 10 for a late dinner. At the counter, there was a box of candy (like ones you get for fundraisers). The sign says something about supporting JUVENILE DIABETES.

WTF?

Made me chuckle, in an effed up way.


In other news, a TON of stuff at work has been blocked. Blogger is one of them--I found that out when trying to look up a reviewer who blogs. So I had to have IT unblock all of my legit sites. We'll see if ALL of Blogger is unblocked or just THOSE sites. Greaaaaat. And I do my work! Someone probably ruined it for the rest of us. Damn those "bad apples."

feeling a bit down

I really want DH to find a job. REALLY. It seems like this is keeping us from moving on with a lot of things. I'm on this newlywed board (NOT THE NEST) and everyone's buying houses or redecorating, or thinking about babies and puppies...and we can't do any of that yet. (For the record--I want to buy a house and maybe get a puppy.)

And he's a bit mad at me because I wasn't "helping" him with tonight's job search stuff...but I thought I was. SOMETIMES MEN NEED TO BE A BIT MORE ARTICULATE ABOUT WHAT THEY WANT!!!! He thought he was telling me how I could help him, yet, he was NOT. And what if he isn't doing the cover letter in the right way?

I think he needs to be more proactive. Just DO IT already. Apply for everything, anything. It's irritating and annoying at times. Financially we are still OK, and maybe he's waiting for a bigger issue to happen...for that to really kick him in the butt? I don't know...

I hate that I need to control everything. It's so annoying. I wish I could be more "live and let live." Maybe someday.

Meeting people and keeping in touch

Hah, two posts in one day from me! Even though I really need to shower and go to the grocery store...

I was reading through Illini_girl's blog just now...and it struck me. She knows a lot of people and keeps in touch with so many! Actually, this struck me before, just never had the gumption to write about it. (or am I just procrastinating instead of getting OFF of the couch!?)

I wonder why it's so easy for some people to keep in touch, but not for others? I always thought I did a good job in the past, or at least it seemed that way. Did I really though? I only talk to 2 people from childhood/HS. When college first started, I thought I did well at keeping in touch, but I guess not. Maybe the other people just got busy? Who knows? I went to Girls State in HS and I met a really cool group there...and we wrote for a bit, but then the letters stopped even though I kept writing. Again, it didn't work.

I think about my college friends--I only had a group of 5 (6 counting me) and two of them have just about fallen off of the face of the earth. I don't get it. I tried and tried, and to me, friendship is a two way street. I'm not really mad at anyone, just disappointed. I mean, when the two moms can keep in touch more than two single ladies...you gotta wonder ;-) Perhaps they've moved on and found "new lives" and I haven't?

I've only made one real grown up friend (meaning: I didn't use school to meet them) and I feel really weird at times, because I don't have a group or even really another couple to invite over to hang out with DH and me.

Work has cliques and perhaps I'm better off staying neutral, especially if I might be promoted to manager or something. But it sucks. The one girl who I was getting tight with--she got fired and now I'm doing her stuff! I have very little social interaction at work. It's a small company, mostly men, and the girls who do work there were all friends with each other in college! WTF?

Most of the time, this stuff doesn't bother me, and I just go about my merry way and do my work and go home...but sometimes it's lonely. Sometimes it'd be nice to have someone to eat lunch with or gossip about the boss with.

There's a part of me that wonders if I've blogged about this before, and if I have, my apologies. Obviously it's still bothering me. :-P

But what is it that some people just want to keep in touch with others? Very interesting question. I better go shower now. lol

Saturday

On my last post here, Illini_girl commented with "yay you're back!" Ooops. Didn't realize I'd been away for so long. Sorry to disappoint my faithful followers.

Work was busy (when is it not) and then I took some time off from work, which was well needed. Only to go back for two crazy days.

Today I slept in a bit, then went to see Grandpa at the "home" and to the gym before coming home. It's almost 4 and it's like, where did the day go? Ehhh. DH is at an all day training class and he'll be home in no time, probably wanting to do SOMETHING, and I just feel like chilling out. There are some things to be done around the house, too.

And tomorrow we have a party at my parents but that's not til the afternoon. Hopefully I can get my butt in gear to get stuff done before then.

I love my time off but it always goes so quickly!

Gotta do what ya gotta do...

DH had an interview with the state. Didn't go that great. He did fine, just not impressed with the position/location.

I am still stuck here until he gets a job...just have to keep on keepin' on. When he gets something and gets settled, then I can have my turn. (DH actually said something about ME taking a hiatus!) But what should I do? I don't know...I'm feeling stuck again in re: to what should I do with my life?

I just had three days off (plus the weekend)...and it was very hard to come back today.

I guess what I need to do is keep work at work, and find things at home to do that are fun. I actually worked on my needlepoint over the days off and got a lot accomplished. I even bought two new projects for the hell of it!

Part of me wants to go back to school for design/decorating. But can you make money?? LOL I don't think so. Ugh, it's annoying...and I'm just rambling right now.

email problems

If you've been trying to reach me via my yahoo account, there's some kind of bug that's messing things up. NOT a virus...it's a yahoo glitch. Hopefully I can answer your emails soon!

And guess where things for this blog go to? That account. Lovely!

I have some good news that I forgot to share!

I HAVE TOMATOES FINALLY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Not big ones, not red ones...but tiny-to-small-sized tomatoes. I was excited a few weeks ago to see the buds starting, but when I went out the other day to water them and actually saw GREEN BALLS, it was amazing!

I can't WAIT for them to keep growing and for them to turn red!

(Yes, this means that I'm allowed to keep my plants--they are on the back deck, but they can stay! I have an awesome landlord who went to bat for me with the condo board.)

The image I've used here is NOT from my plants. My growth isn't this big, yet, but it's a good stand-in.

So I'm not the only one...

who wants to work less in-office:

http://www.usatoday.com/news/nation/2008-06-30-four-day_N.htm

Ugh, Mondays

I'm tired, even though I went to bed early. I feel like a 3 month old--I'm not sleeping well through the night. Why have a baby when I'm sleeping like one!? Oh wait a sec, that might be a good thing...at least we'd be on the same sleeping schedule.

I came into work late. Fortunately, we can do this (yay flex time) and I have a work laptop at home so that I can log into my email and see if there's anything pressing before I venture out into the world. Not this morning. Tomorrow I do need to be in before 9 since there's a 9 am conference call with the remote sales reps.

I'm so not motivated today. I had a huge cup of coffee only 2 hrs ago, but I think I need a swimming pool sized cup to get me through the day. Been here almost a half hour and managed to go through my new email, write a few replies, look at my to-do list, check my personal email, check some blogs, and now I'm here.

I'm debating whether or not to ask my boss about working from home, at least 1 day a week. Any tips on how to approach this?

Thank God the 4th is on a Friday this year--last year it was on a Thursday, but we had to come in on the Friday. Yuck.

A post that's more marriage/relationship-related.

Since that was sorta the intent of this blog. But if you know me, I get easily distracted and off-topic. Oh, and I like to talk/write. LOL

So DH and I had a talk yesterday re: our time together, how I always seem stressed and on-edge, even in my down time. Work makes me stressed.

I told him that it's mostly b/c I don't have a lot of free time, and that I feel so pressed to do so many things--things I want to do (crafty stuff, reading), things I need to do (going to the gym, errands) and things I have to do (cleaning the litter box).

I'm going to make a list, one in 3 parts, of things that I want to get done (similar to my list on here, of fun stuff), things that we can do together (since we had a big fight a few weeks ago about not doing enough stuff together) and things that HAVE to get done (house crap).

Hopefully this will help me not to feel so stressed out about EVERYTHING. Also, we discussed having a 10 minute "pick up time" every night. Just to organize the house a bit, so we're not doing HUGE jobs on the weekends. Sure, things like vacuuming and dusting can really only be done on the weekends when there's more time, but straightening up the living room and disposing of junk mail instead of letting it pile up on the coffee table(*ahem* DH!) can be done in small pockets of time.

I'll keep ya posted ;-)

Almost a week and no posts...

So I better do one now.

The picture on this entry was taken by yours truly. These are leis that we got in Hawaii at our first hotel. Mine was beautiful and smelled so delicious...but it DIED. DH's came home with us and is sitting on our bookcase. It's made out of a nut. I forgot which one. So yes, we have our honeymoon pics finally and they are in an album and all of that. To those of you whom I love, I'll email you the shutterfly link when I get a free moment.

I'm kinda ehh right now. We're not going to Philly next month--we're going in September, around our anniversary. I'm slightly disappointed, but DH and I didn't talk about where we'd be getting the $$ from (I assumed it would come from his settlement account) so we need some time to save up some more.

I'm still taking the days off next month that I requested--we'll just do some things locally instead. I need a break.

I'm mostly ehh b/c I make a fairly decent salary and DH brings in OK money through his settlement checks (which we're using to boost our income now that he's not working) but it just doesn't seem like enough at times. We're paying our bills (and we have NO debt, so it's like, WTF?) and staying alive, but there's no room for too much fun. I know people have done it on less...maybe it's b/c they were doing it when gas was only $2.50/gal instead of $4.29???? Maybe they put lot of stuff on credit cards, whereas we don't? I do play the "comparison" game at times, which is bad, I know, but it sucks when there are things you want to do but you can't. Anyway.

DH thinks I want too much some times, and maybe I do. I just thought that when you were an "adult" you'd get to do a lot of fun things...especially now that I'm making the most I've ever made before. I think it'll get better when he gets a job, since it'll be more than he gets from his other income, and a LOT more than he gets from unemployment! We can then save, which is something we haven't done since before he got laid off.

I do have good news on the job front--he heard from someone with whom he has connections (in the dept that's a division of state govt.) that they just received all of the resumes that were submitted for the openings, so HOPEFULLY he'll get a call soon re: an interview!!!! Please--say a prayer, cross your fingers, wish on a star, anything.

Packages in the mail!

Yesterday, I said that DH went to pick up the weddings pics...and when I got home last night, the UPS man (I know, it could have been a woman, but in ALL of my years working, I have yet to see a woman in the brown. I have seen women FedEx drivers, but no UPS) had visited, and left us the honeymoon pics from Shutterfly. YAAAAAY!

A day full of pics. It was fun to look at them all, for real, on paper, sitting in front of me. DH wants to get a ton blown up for our walls, but I'm thinking we should wait until we get a house and have MORE walls to cover. We'll see.

I also cut my hair yesterday. Pretty short. (Crazy A, think...early sophomore year? Maybe a bit longer.) I was dying for a change, and I've had it this short a few times before. It's a very "me" cut--my stylist LOVES cutting it this way on me and she knew what I was thinking before I even said it. No more ponytails though. Oh well! I had grown it out for the wedding, and then cut it a bit shorter at each haircut since the wedding, but now I was ready for something a bit more drastic.

But on a good note...

DH picked up the wedding pictures today. I can't wait to get home and look at them, for realz. Not just little 4x4 proofs. The real album, pics for friends and family, everything.

I ordered them in...February? They took about 2 months to do, so they've been sitting at the photog's office for 2 more months, although they never called (even though the secretary said they did, WRONG!). We've been married almost 9 months now? LOL.

But....the proofs weren't ready until Thanksgiving, then I took forever deciding which to order, then I had to MAIL the photog the proofs to make sure that their #'s matched mine...so it was a laborious process.

Oh, whatever!!!!!

Speaking of the tomatoes...this was copied and pasted from an email.

I got a letter yesterday (well, not me, it was in the name of a previous tenant, good thing I opened it) saying that we were in violation b/c of our tomato plants.

Seriously people!? There are worse things going on in the world than that!!!!! I almost cried when I read the letter (I blame PMS, ha) b/c I was like, dude, come on, this is NOT that big of a deal. I'm taking them to my mom's--good thing she has a lot of sun in her yard, also has a veg. garden so won't mind watering mine, and that she lives close by. IDK what I'd do if I didn't have somewhere to foster them...the plants already have flowers on them! They'll be giving me tomatoes in a few weeks.

Just lame, yo. I checked our booklet that the LL gave us when we moved in, I can't find anything in there about vegetables. My dad said that it could be b/c of animals--trying to keep them away from the house. Grrr.

Then, an update. Also C&P.

The LL got CC'd on the notice, and he called after I wrote you that email. He told me NOT to worry about it, that he's grieving with the condo board (since that rule is not in anything he has), and he said that if they weren't in pots for me to go out and buy some and take it off of the rent! (Luckily for him, they're in pots already). He also told me to put them on the back deck and there shouldn't be a problem. He thinks he knows who complained and he said "there are some really wacko/weird people there...and there are some people who like to be pains in the asses, who have nothing better to do." LOL Oh and he said that when he lived there for a year (right before we moved in) he and his wife had tomato plants too, but on the back porch and no one complained.

I hope that when I get old, if I have nothing better to do than complain about other peoples shit, someone puts me out of my misery!

AND THEN this happened...

OMG I just snapped at one of my coworkers. He came up to me, bitching and whining about how the health insurance premiums went up like 20%...so I said, rather chilly, sorry I'm dealing with a bigger issue, my husband still hasn't found a job, so I've been covering him on my insurance for awhile, and that increased my costs.

What I REALLY wanted to say was, "maybe your wife should go back to work and not be a SAHM...you guys CHOSE to be parents...my husband didn't choose to lose his job."

I feel bad that I kinda blew up at him, but jeez...you picked the wrong person to vent to about rising costs. I almost started crying when I was talking to him.

I want to do something to my house...

Only I don't own it...just rent. Ugh. I thought the flowers would be enough. I want to decorate! Do something! New furniture! Anything! Grrr.

Speaking of the flowers, I think I need to transplant/move around some of them. My petunias are TAKING OFF and I think they need bigger pots. Some of my impatiens died (boo) so I can transplant the petunias out of the window boxes into those pots. Money saved, woot! Did I mention that the window boxes are not IN windows? They are on our deck railing--but my parents do the same thing at their house.

And my tomatoes! Holy Moses, are they tall. I might have some actual fruit by the time this salmonella thing is over. They suck up so much water, and I need to stake them this weekend.

And there's so much stuff I haven't opened/used that I received at my shower (a year ago on the 23rd!) and from the wedding. *sigh* Where to put it all? When to use it?

I have been toying with the idea of moving around the living room furniture...hehe. It's a small room though, and our furniture is "making do" because it doesn't really fit in it correctly. Ugh. I also want to re-organize DH's closet but he'd probably kill me. Very possessive of his messiness, that man is. LOL And his dresser and desk! Hoooo boy. Won't go there.

Will this help me scratch my domesticity itch? Probably not...

I'm still here!

Just very very busy at work and at home. Been doing REALLY well with the eating stuff even though my food prep takes FOREVER and is expensive! Who'd think that HEALTHY food would cost so much!?

Where I've been in the world...

Okay, this one isn't so great, but I'm only 28! Oh, and I didn't count the 3 layovers in Germany...lol.

You can get it here: http://www.travelblog.org/VC/visited-countries.html

My Visited Countries

Get your own Visited Countries Map from Travel Blog

Where I've been in this country... (stolen from illini_girl!)

Click on the graphic to see my map! You too can have one from: http://www.travelblog.org/VC/visited-us-states.html

It's not very impressive, but I am only 28...and I've been to Hawaii, which a lot of people HAVEN'T been to. I didn't count the states I've driven through (NJ and DE) or had layovers in (GA and MI).

My Visited US States

Get your own Visited US States Map from Travel Blog

IT'S BEAUTIFUL OUT!

And here I am blogging, lol. Have no fear, just taking a rest for a sec.

Got up at 7:15, DH and I were at the grocery store by 8:30--after a run to Dunkin Donuts. ;-)

Ran into my MOM at the store, which is not a surprise, we live in the same town. It was just so funny to see her there, and she was shocked that we were up and out so early, lol. She invited us over on Monday for some food :-) Yay.

As an aside--One thing that bugged me though, about seeing my mom, she was like, "so what are your plans this weekend?" I was like, "what do you mean?" She actually thought that maybe we'd have been invited some where. YEAH RIGHT. Hello, woman, you know we have no friends. Maybe I'm not giving her any credit--I guess there could be a chance I might have been invited to a coworker's house or something. It's just kind of annoying when people assume that you have a happening social life because you are young newlyweds. My boss asked me if I had big plans too, and when I said no, he actually said that was a good thing! That's right! I work too damn hard and want to relaaaaax. It feels like we are new to town, and that's how we live, pretty much. It is HARD to meet people if you don't already know people!

We were out of the store before 9:30, then to the library to drop off a book, then to CVS to pick up an RX, then HOME by 10:15. WOOT.

Felt SO good to get up early and just GO GO GO. Makes you feel like the weekend lasts longer. And it's a 3 day weekend, so even better.

Here it is, just after 12:30, and the groceries are away, cleaned out the fridge, the living room and kitchen are picked up, and I've washed 4 loads of laundry. Time to go get them out of the dryers. That's the one good thing about using a laundry room--if no one's there, I can do ALLLL the laundry in one shot. Heh.

But man, the food costs? All we bought was: produce, meat, chicken, dairy stuff, and a few grocery items (peanuts, peanut butter, chicken broth, salad dressing mix). $129!!!!! Well, the $26 of FLOWERS that my husband wanted me to have didn't help, lol. And neither did the steaks--even though they were on sale. But our receipt said we saved $50, soooo, I guess I won't complain too much. And we did have some coupons and about $9 in bottle/can redemption tickets.

To update y'all on my post from last night about husbands, DH and I talked about my food plans and stuff. He sees me eat more than anyone else, so I asked for his opinions about what I should do. Sometimes I go all out, restrictive to the max and then I cave and binge on what I shouldn't eat. He suggested a more forgiving plan might be better, where I try to be "good" most of the time, but to allow for a few treats now and then.

So, for the rest of May (after Tuesday) and June, I will do my old plan from the dr with some modification. No starches at breakfast, lunch or snacks, and a bit at dinner if it's incorporated into the meal (like a casserole or something). If it's just chicken, veggies and rice, then I won't eat the rice! I plan on doing it very scientifically, and if I don't notice a change happening, then I might have to go balls to the wall and NO carbs AT ALL. Of course, I will be at the gym too.

I've gotta make this work. I can't keep living this way.

Husbands!

My therapist and I had a chat about my eating/weight stuff the other night, and we're working on something, together.

However, I just told DH about this and I know he's skeptical about me succeeding (because I'm never consistent) and I swear, I think he was hurt or put-out or something.

I'm sorry, but this time, it's about ME. Actually, wait, I'm NOT sorry. Don't sulk because I can't eat pasta or rice or whatever. Think of what I CAN eat, that's what I'm doing. And it's not like we ever have JUST rice or JUST pasta for dinner, we always have veggies and a protein. I don't get what his problem was. You'd swear I told him that he wasn't allowed to fish anymore or that Stan Lee died. He actually told me he needed to be alone for a bit.

I'm trying to understand where he's coming from, without making it my problem. I know he loves to cook, and he's been doing a lot of experimentation now that he's home all day. That's great. And I'm sure me saying that I am going back on my doctor's plan (before I have a serious health issue), is like "oh crap, now all of my work is for nothing" and "Ha, lets see how long THIS lasts." But don't get like this.

Yeah, I don't like it either, but it's not JUST for weight loss, it's for health in general, too. I even asked him, "OK so what if I was diabetic for real and had to change things?" He didn't really answer. At least we didn't fight, and it was all very calm...

Ehh, maybe he just needs to be a pouty boy about it for a bit. *shaking my head*

I love Bossman.

After all of this crap I've been dealing with, over the past week or so, I had a meeting with my boss today.

Was in there almost an hour, talking about work stuff, trying to get everything done with firedgirl gone. I got a little flustered, but he told me that he didn't expect miracles, just get it done as best I can...then we went into some personal stuff--he asked about DH's job search stuff, and it went into stuff about working and balancing it with marriage and stuff.

He's so nice. He asked again if DH wanted to come work here. He also said that he's noticed how much time I've been putting in and he appreciates it. When I told him that DH and I were both very appreciative of the offer for DH to work here, he's like "we just want to keep you happy." STFU!!!!

At the beginning of the meeting, I mentioned that I hoped to be leaving early today, and at the end of the meeting, he's like "so...you're leaving at like 3? 4?" I said, "Probably 3" and he said "OK, just let me know when you leave."

As much as I was upset this week having to do everything, I really do have a great boss and a pretty good company. This was just a bad week (it usually is right before our huge annual trade show).

Uh oh.

Mrs. Owner came in this morning, and she's usually only here MWF.

She comes over to my desk (oh no....) and is all chatty.

She wants to take me out to lunch (OH NO!) after they (most of the upper peeps here) get back from a trade show on the other side of the country.

Ummmm, okay.

I really want to like her. I really do. I think I could learn a lot from her. I don't know what is preventing me from letting my guard down, just a bit, with her.

I think it was all of the past BS that went on here.

Made me freak out a bit about talking to her too much. Or maybe it was her own freak outs that caused me to keep my distance

I don't know.


Ha, should I tell her that DH and I never used their (Mr & Mrs Owner's) wedding gift because when we got to Hawaii my company credit card had expired? LOL

(They called me the day before the wedding, all sorry that they didn't get me anything, and wanted me to charge a nice dinner on the CC. That was a funny night, when I handed the waiter my card and he came right back saying it had expired. WHOOOOPS.)

Some things that are bothering me lately....

1. This Ted Kennedy with a brain tumor thing. It's not really about him. My uncle died of the SAME type of tumor less than 2 years ago. He lived in Boston. Seeing all the news coverage is like ripping off the scab and exposing the wound. I don't think our family has been the same since he died. I also know what Ted will face, and that's not a pretty future.

2. My husband remains unemployed. He's gone on two interviews but no success. He's applied for a TON of positions, it just requires waiting. I'm not a good waiter. Neither is he. I worry about the future. It sucks to be the sole breadwinner, to HAVE to go to work, to carry the health insurance...puts a lot of pressure on me. I just pray that by the time we have kids, he'll be in a good job, a stable one, with good insurance, so that I can be a SAHM or work part time.

3. Work is not replacing fired girl. I can't do her job AND mine. I think it's nice that they think I can, but I can't. I just can't do it all. I've worked I don't know how many hours already in the past two weeks, trying to make up stuff. My body is beat.

Fallout

What's that old saying? After the nuclear holocaust, all that'll be left is cockroaches and Cher?

You can add me to that group ;-)

I've survived so much stuff going on at this job, I really didn't think I'd last this long. And I'm happy and proud to be a survivor. To use another saying, the cream has definitely risen to the top. It might have taken awhile, but it did. I was told I didn't have a lot of experience and couldn't handle certain things. Ha, guess who's practically taken over now? People have left for other jobs, gotten fired, quit, yet I'm still here. Even after my exile to Siberia.

So an "eff off" to those people, and a boo yah to me!!! :-)

Fired (not me)

My coworker from my department got fired today. I kind of saw it coming...and I feel that part of it she was really responsible for. Oh well. The weird thing is, now I'm responsible for some of her tasks. Like I'm not busy enough? Hopefully this will be more of a chance for me to shine and grow, as frustrated as it makes me. I also have to get rid of some of my tasks and hand them off to someone who is transitioning into our department. So that's good, I'll get some help. This is kinda rambling, but I just don't know what to say right now. LOL

Mysterious ways

They say that God works in mysterious ways. I agree with this. Some things really do happen for a reason, be they crazy, sad, weird, happy, whatever.

I think that sometimes God creates natural disasters to "help" him in his work. I'm not saying that God is a killer. Yes, he takes lives, but only for a reason. There have been certain natural disasters as of late, which have killed thousands of people. I tend to believe that maybe it is a form of population control? I don't want to sound like I'm not playing with a full deck.

I'm not some holy-roller that believes that everything is some divine message. And I'm not advocating violence and death. But you've gotta wonder...especially when people say "how could God let this happen?" Well, he did and it was for SOME reason...maybe there were just too many people...?

away for work

I am at an oceanside resort for a trade show--work sent me and two of the guys to do some sales and marketing things. The guys are more of the sales end of things--they actually go OUT into the field, whereas I'm more marketing. Bossman figured it would be a good idea for me to go and see what it's like out there in the big world, and how my materials that I create are actually used. So here I am.

This is the first time that I've been away from DH since we've been married. There have been nights where he was sick and spend the night on the couch or in the recliner, but this is the first time that I haven't been in the same house as he is. Weird. I miss him, even though I'm working. Maybe we can come back here someday? The room which I'm staying in opens right on to the beach. I walked out on it for a sec in my stockinged feet! LOL

(Note: when you do a trade show, wear comfy shoes! Dumbass me wore heels, but I thought I'd be OK since they are thick. WRONG.)

It should be very peaceful tonight sleeping, with the waves pounding outside. Tomorrow, we do a bit more trade show, then I'm off to see college roomie B and her kids. Want to hear a small world situation? This woman I was talking to today works in the same industry, if you will, as B's dad. I asked her if she knew him. Sure enough, she did! When I told her that I was roomies w/ his eldest daughter, she was like "Ohhhh, B????" Too funny!

I don't know what I'm doing about dinner. There aren't a lot of options around here...and I would actually prefer to hang out in the room, catch up on work, and watch TV. But I have to forage the boonies of where I am to find something to eat. Hmmmm. I don't know if the guys will ask me to eat with them, but I feel kinda funny. They are BFFs (went to college together, have worked together forever), so I feel like a 3rd wheel.

Anywhoo....it's beautiful here and I wish it were warmer outside!

That being said...good things.

I graduated from college with zero debt.

I graduated from high school and college.

I have never been unemployed longer than I wanted to be.

I have a husband who loves me.

I have a family who loves me, even if they are wacky.

I have three adorable cats; they are the best!

I can see, I can hear, I can walk, I can breathe.

My boss thinks I'm fantastic.

The owners of my company appreciate my hard work.

Struggles

My dad often jokes with my brother and me that we're spoiled...that he and mom weren't hard enough on us. I used to laugh it off and say, "no, you guys were tough enough." But now I'm wondering if it's true...if I am spoiled.

I don't know what it's like to REALLY struggle, and I think that's why, at 28, when I get envious of someone's situation or life or whatever, I get REALLY REALLY envious of it, so much so that it brings me down. Also, stress (be it from work, life, etc) makes me pick myself/my life apart.

I also get bogged down in what I don't have, instead of focusing on what I DO have. I think part of this is because I didn't have to struggle...and it wasn't until I was in my twenties, did life have struggles.

I didn't HAVE to work hard at school, I was bright, so it came easily. While my parents weren't rich, I didn't have to seriously make do with things, the way other kids might have. There was always money for new clothes and shoes. Might not been top of the line or what I wanted, but it was what we needed and we didn't ever go without.

In college, I didn't have to work, the way most of my friends did. My parents didn't send me money when I needed it; I worked over the summers, but that was enough to get me through the school year. They paid for the bill from the college, I paid for the rest. I never had stress over how I'd buy my books for the semester, or if I could afford a train ticket home for Christmas break. My grandfather bought me my first "real" car. My parents were always there for me, not rushing in to rescue me, but the help was always offered. When I decided to leave a bad job, and take a better one that paid much much less, my parents invited me over for dinner when I didn't have enough money to buy real food. I know, that's what parents are supposed to do, but only now, as an adult, do I realize that not everyone has that. And even if their parents would invite them over for dinner, they may not live in the same city or state.

So, I think the fact that I've had a "cushy" life, relatively speaking, is why I have such a hard time as an adult with certain aspects of the way things are. It could be better, sure, and it could be worse. I could have NO clue about how to cope; while it might seem as though some days I'm a baby or immature or just don't want to work hard, there is some hope. Sometimes when I'm having a bad day, where I'm stressed out and think all is lost, people get upset with me. To them, my problems seem trivial, or can be easily solved. I think the fact that these people have had to struggle more, work harder, to get where they are, is why they grow impatient with me. No one should HAVE to struggle, this is something we can all agree on. And I should not feel badly that I had parents who could help, and who wanted to help. I should also not feel badly for having a rough time with things now...it's just the way things are. What I need to do now is learn how not to let things bother me, and how to grow and learn from my struggles.