Philly was a lot of fun. It was GREAT to get away with the husband, the food was awesome (I didn't think I could eat that many cheese steaks, lol), the weather was ehh (very humid, sorta rainy), we saw a lot of historical stuff, etc.
And now I'm back. And in need of a change, work-wise. I don't know what to do, and I feel very scared to even thinking about a change, given the economy and my husband's (non) work situation.
Oy. I think I need another vacation!
Tuesday, September 30, 2008
Thursday, September 25, 2008
And we're off!
Tomorrow DH and I leave for our trip to Philadelphia. Our first anniversary is Monday, and we'll be coming home then.
So I won't be around. Don't miss me too much. I'll be too busy eating cheesesteaks to miss you.
XOXO, girlwednesday
So I won't be around. Don't miss me too much. I'll be too busy eating cheesesteaks to miss you.
XOXO, girlwednesday
Sunday, September 21, 2008
high school reunion thoughts
My HS reunion is the Friday night after Thanksgiving (as are many HS reunions).
I am nervous about going. I have replied (via Facebook, gotta love technology!) as a maybe.
Will I end up going? I don't know.
While I talked to a lot of different people IN school, I lost touch with so many of them afterwards. I was never into the drinking scene really--you know, when everyone comes home for the weekend or Thanksgiving and heads to a the local bar. It's like school provided me with the support system for socializing, and after we all left that, it was hard for me, personally, to keep in touch.
And there was also my battle with depression and anxiety which probably affected how I communicated and socialized with people. That bothers me, but only now, after so many years have passed. I can't go back and change what has happened...I can only move forward and try not to let those things impede future relationships.
Now I look up various classmates' Facebook profiles and see how many people from town they still keep in touch with. And I feel weird because I don't keep in touch with THAT many people (or many people at all) or I don't have a huge circle. I look at the people from my class who are on there, who I could "befriend" and I think..."Why? What do I have to say to them?" Besides the "Hey, how are you" variety of chit chat. And a lot of these people I knew since I was five years old.
But then I think about WHY I might not keep in touch with so many people...
1. I didn't stay in town after high school. I went away to college. So many of my classmates went to the local CC or two of the local state universities.
2. I didn't immediately come right back after college. I lived in Boston for about 6 months.
3. I don't go out to the bars in town! That should be obvious as to why I don't have so many local connections! lol
4. I don't go out to other town events, really. I'm a homebody in my "old" age.
I used to go out in town, but that was before I lived with DH. When I lived on my own, I had a friend and we would go out and do stuff...but then she got jealous of my relationship, and I had to cut her out because she was just getting inappropriate. After I moved in with DH, we had a wedding to plan and our own stuff to deal with, so it wasn't a time for going out and having tons of fun. Also, back when I was living on my own, DH was still recovering from his accident, and a lot of my free time was spent with him.
This helps me to relax a bit and not to think of myself as some weirdo or freak. I truly think it bothers me because I still live here. If I'd moved away to California or stayed in Boston, I probably wouldn't be as weirded out by this. I think my own isolation (or whatever you want to call it) is making me think of myself as odd. It's easy to fall into a rut and it's hard to get out of one.
The events which have transpired since I left college--finding a job, getting through some depressive episodes, meeting DH, his accident/recovery stuff (which takes longer than anyone really thinks), switching jobs, getting engaged/married, etc.--all of these things have changed my life and how I live it and how I interact with others. And I'm sure everyone has had things happen in their lives, too...things that have made them change, for better or worse.
I actually feel GUILTY or BADLY for letting some relationships fall to the wayside. Or for not cultivating new ones. I know it shouldn't be like that, but I can't help it especially when a lot of it was not my fault. And now, when I have opportunities to get out there and reconnect, I get stuck. I let fear get in the way. Fear of what? Fear of the unknown of course! Fear of looking dumb or not being the same. Fear of rejection. General shyness of not knowing what to say, really.
I bet I'm not the only one who is like this, either. At least I hope not.
Will I end up going to the reunion? I don't know. I just don't know.
I am nervous about going. I have replied (via Facebook, gotta love technology!) as a maybe.
Will I end up going? I don't know.
While I talked to a lot of different people IN school, I lost touch with so many of them afterwards. I was never into the drinking scene really--you know, when everyone comes home for the weekend or Thanksgiving and heads to a the local bar. It's like school provided me with the support system for socializing, and after we all left that, it was hard for me, personally, to keep in touch.
And there was also my battle with depression and anxiety which probably affected how I communicated and socialized with people. That bothers me, but only now, after so many years have passed. I can't go back and change what has happened...I can only move forward and try not to let those things impede future relationships.
Now I look up various classmates' Facebook profiles and see how many people from town they still keep in touch with. And I feel weird because I don't keep in touch with THAT many people (or many people at all) or I don't have a huge circle. I look at the people from my class who are on there, who I could "befriend" and I think..."Why? What do I have to say to them?" Besides the "Hey, how are you" variety of chit chat. And a lot of these people I knew since I was five years old.
But then I think about WHY I might not keep in touch with so many people...
1. I didn't stay in town after high school. I went away to college. So many of my classmates went to the local CC or two of the local state universities.
2. I didn't immediately come right back after college. I lived in Boston for about 6 months.
3. I don't go out to the bars in town! That should be obvious as to why I don't have so many local connections! lol
4. I don't go out to other town events, really. I'm a homebody in my "old" age.
I used to go out in town, but that was before I lived with DH. When I lived on my own, I had a friend and we would go out and do stuff...but then she got jealous of my relationship, and I had to cut her out because she was just getting inappropriate. After I moved in with DH, we had a wedding to plan and our own stuff to deal with, so it wasn't a time for going out and having tons of fun. Also, back when I was living on my own, DH was still recovering from his accident, and a lot of my free time was spent with him.
This helps me to relax a bit and not to think of myself as some weirdo or freak. I truly think it bothers me because I still live here. If I'd moved away to California or stayed in Boston, I probably wouldn't be as weirded out by this. I think my own isolation (or whatever you want to call it) is making me think of myself as odd. It's easy to fall into a rut and it's hard to get out of one.
The events which have transpired since I left college--finding a job, getting through some depressive episodes, meeting DH, his accident/recovery stuff (which takes longer than anyone really thinks), switching jobs, getting engaged/married, etc.--all of these things have changed my life and how I live it and how I interact with others. And I'm sure everyone has had things happen in their lives, too...things that have made them change, for better or worse.
I actually feel GUILTY or BADLY for letting some relationships fall to the wayside. Or for not cultivating new ones. I know it shouldn't be like that, but I can't help it especially when a lot of it was not my fault. And now, when I have opportunities to get out there and reconnect, I get stuck. I let fear get in the way. Fear of what? Fear of the unknown of course! Fear of looking dumb or not being the same. Fear of rejection. General shyness of not knowing what to say, really.
I bet I'm not the only one who is like this, either. At least I hope not.
Will I end up going to the reunion? I don't know. I just don't know.
Saturday, September 20, 2008
HUNGRY!
So this new eating plan is great and all, but, I do get REALLY hungry.
Like right now.
My body is BURNING off that protein like whoa. Which is good b/c I'd like to lose some more weight.
I should just have a glass of water, take my allergy meds, and GET TO BED.
Like right now.
My body is BURNING off that protein like whoa. Which is good b/c I'd like to lose some more weight.
I should just have a glass of water, take my allergy meds, and GET TO BED.
Friday, September 19, 2008
more health news
The other day, DH and I almost had a little scare. No, not THAT kind. ;-) But related.
I almost had to stop taking the pill.
Please, no flames. DH and I are soooo not ready to be parents (for many reasons) so we think that's doing the "right" thing...and not leaving things up to chance. Because, chances are (haha) we'd be even more screwed than we are right now, and that's not fair to a helpless, delicate little baby. (although I did see a HS classmate's new baby's pics on facebook tonight and wanted to CRY, he was so beautiful)
ANYWHOO.
My blood pressure was being monitored for about 6 weeks now and I had made some SERIOUS changes to my diet. My Dr. had called me a few days ago and wasn't 100% pleased with how my BP was registering (although it was going down) and was suggesting that I go off of the pill...so of course, I freaked. DH freaked.
It was like, here I am, doing the right thing...I weaned off of the meds for depression/anxiety (and am doing REALLY well, btw, surprisingly), I went back on the food plan I was supposed to be following...and it wasn't enough.
So DH and I looked at what I was doing and what I still could be doing. I started drinking a small glass of red wine every night. I cut back on the caffeine. I planned to start back at the gym, every other day, to do some cardio...
Fortunately, when I called the Dr. to follow up on the voice mail she'd left me the other day, the receptionist asked me if I wanted to come in today, instead of in a few weeks.
I went this morning, very nervous, expecting her to tell me to get off the pill RIGHT NOW.
Well. Looks like my hard work is starting to pay off.
I'm down 8lbs by her scale (I'm averaging about a pound a week) and my BP was VERY good, even sitting right there in her office. She was so happy to hear what I had done (and my new plans after her phone call) and she's so pleased with my progress. I can stay on the pill and, I even got a HUG at the end of the appointment!
I have never been hugged by a doctor before. It's SO nice to have a human touch in the medical field. She truly cares about my well-being.
Now, to lose the rest of the weight...but I'll keep on keepin' on. That's why I started going back to the gym. Plus, it'll help me all-around.
I almost had to stop taking the pill.
Please, no flames. DH and I are soooo not ready to be parents (for many reasons) so we think that's doing the "right" thing...and not leaving things up to chance. Because, chances are (haha) we'd be even more screwed than we are right now, and that's not fair to a helpless, delicate little baby. (although I did see a HS classmate's new baby's pics on facebook tonight and wanted to CRY, he was so beautiful)
ANYWHOO.
My blood pressure was being monitored for about 6 weeks now and I had made some SERIOUS changes to my diet. My Dr. had called me a few days ago and wasn't 100% pleased with how my BP was registering (although it was going down) and was suggesting that I go off of the pill...so of course, I freaked. DH freaked.
It was like, here I am, doing the right thing...I weaned off of the meds for depression/anxiety (and am doing REALLY well, btw, surprisingly), I went back on the food plan I was supposed to be following...and it wasn't enough.
So DH and I looked at what I was doing and what I still could be doing. I started drinking a small glass of red wine every night. I cut back on the caffeine. I planned to start back at the gym, every other day, to do some cardio...
Fortunately, when I called the Dr. to follow up on the voice mail she'd left me the other day, the receptionist asked me if I wanted to come in today, instead of in a few weeks.
I went this morning, very nervous, expecting her to tell me to get off the pill RIGHT NOW.
Well. Looks like my hard work is starting to pay off.
I'm down 8lbs by her scale (I'm averaging about a pound a week) and my BP was VERY good, even sitting right there in her office. She was so happy to hear what I had done (and my new plans after her phone call) and she's so pleased with my progress. I can stay on the pill and, I even got a HUG at the end of the appointment!
I have never been hugged by a doctor before. It's SO nice to have a human touch in the medical field. She truly cares about my well-being.
Now, to lose the rest of the weight...but I'll keep on keepin' on. That's why I started going back to the gym. Plus, it'll help me all-around.
Wednesday, September 17, 2008
dreams
I hardly remember my dreams. It's like I wake up and all memories of me sleeping are gone.
Anyway, the past few weeks, I've been dreaming about my paternal grandmother. Who has been dead for 16 years as of yesterday. It's weird. I can't explain WHY I've been dreaming about her. Is she trying to tell me something from beyond the grave? I guess there could be some psychoanalysis type of reasoning for my dreaming about her, especially since we were not close, and I do have some unresolved issues with/from her...but sheesh.
Mostly the dreams revolve around her dying...like I'm at my grandparents' house, and everyone's telling me to come see her (FWIW, she died in the hospital).
I'm not creeped out by the death stuff...it's just weird, that all of a sudden, I'm dreaming about something like this.
Anyway, the past few weeks, I've been dreaming about my paternal grandmother. Who has been dead for 16 years as of yesterday. It's weird. I can't explain WHY I've been dreaming about her. Is she trying to tell me something from beyond the grave? I guess there could be some psychoanalysis type of reasoning for my dreaming about her, especially since we were not close, and I do have some unresolved issues with/from her...but sheesh.
Mostly the dreams revolve around her dying...like I'm at my grandparents' house, and everyone's telling me to come see her (FWIW, she died in the hospital).
I'm not creeped out by the death stuff...it's just weird, that all of a sudden, I'm dreaming about something like this.
Monday, September 15, 2008
Amazon's Kindle
I have seen one, in person...and have sorta used it (for a few minutes). It was a work-related thing.
However, I have not seen one in public. Nor, do I know anyone who owns one.
Yet, Amazon says they are selling like hotcakes. WHO OWNS A KINDLE!?!?!?
Artichoke Dreams mentioned a Kindle in her post...that's what made me think about blogging about it.
I work in the publishing industry. I read a lot of books, and read about even more.
Again, who owns a Kindle? Not I.
Shoplifters!
Today, DH and I had a crime-stopping adventure.
We went to the local grocery chain that's well known in New England. (Illini_Girl, don't know if they had them up in NH...but it's not Shaw's or Hannaford or Star.)
We're in the spice/baking aisle...and we see this older woman put something into a brown paper bag, and then something ELSE into her jacket pocket. I said to DH, "holy crap, that woman is STEALING!!!!!"
There happened to be an associate stocking the shelves nearby, so I calmly walked up to her and told her about that woman putting something into her pocket. The associate was like "hmmm, I don't know if I can do anything," but we saw her talk to the store manager, who then got this big dude (who was dressed up) involved. He must have been store security or something...but they were following her and watching her.
The big dude said to the manager, "Well, you know we can't do anything until she goes to leave." Then she left and the big dude followed her, but then she came back in, so I don't know WTF happened.
Still, it was pretty cool.
I'm still alive!
I've probably mentioned this before, but everything at work that's good, is blocked. No facebook, no myspace, no blogger, no message boards (for the most part)...not even food network! Seriously! It's crazy.
At home, I've been busy trying to relax and enjoy my down time and spend time with my husband. Work is always nutty, but I have been trying to dial it down a notch and NOT give it my all. Maybe then they'll see that I wasn't messing around and that I do need help with the work load.
Anyway, today I called in sick because of some issues that DH and I had. Not between us, thank God, this was something to do with the little bastard known as the stock market. See, DH was in a bad accident a few years ago, got a nice settlement from the person who injured him, and this money is in a structured settlement thingy (for lack of a better word, haha) with one of the big companies in the news these days. We were up all night, very upset, freaking out. As he's still unemployed, the monthly checks from this settlement were helping us get by. If that money suddenly disappeared, we'd be in BIG trouble. My salary cannot and would not support two people.
After a frantic call this morning to DH's lawyer, we quickly learned that all would be OK. PHEW! Now, for him to get a job...but that is out of our hands as well. Lots of interviews, no bites. It's upsetting. For him--he feels like a failure, he's bored, he feels like he'll never get anywhere in his career. For me--I want him to be doing something, so he doesn't feel like crap, and I get a bit jealous and resentful b/c he can stay home. For us--he feels like a bad husband, and I just hate being the sole breadwinner and the one who is responsible for everything right now. This has taken a toll on the both of us...and for it to happen during the first year of marriage, it sucks even more.
A lot of people like to weigh in on this, giving me advice. Until you have been there, it's hard to give REALLY sound advice. It's easy to say "oh try XYZ company" or "has he thought about just doing some part time retail job?" The economy sucks, people.
Here are some funny exchanges with people about my DH's job stuff...
Bossman: How's the job search going?
Me: Oh fine, thanks for asking...it's going.
Bossman: (incredulously) You aren't nagging at him?!?!
Me: Uhhh no...I can't make people hire him.
Boss: Oh...wow...well (mutters something)
Are you SERIOUS??? As if me nagging would help him to find a job, or get someone to higher him faster? It doesn't work like that, buddy.
My mom: What would (DH) like for his birthday?
Me: A job.
Mom: No, seriously.
Me: I AM serious. He doesn't need anything else.
C'mon mom, you know me (and him) better than this!
I actually had to tell a friend of mine last week that as much as I appreciated her concern, I didn't want to talk to her about DH's job stuff anymore. It was like every time she contacted me, the first thing she'd ask was "So how's the job search?"
SHUT UP. PLEASE.
Now I know how women who have issues getting pregnant feel when every time they talk to someone, all they want to do is talk babies. It hurts. It's annoying. It makes you angry. It makes you feel guilty, like you have to cover for your husband, so people don't think he's a slacker or lazy. Or unmotivated.
I try not to take people's suggestions/comments *too* personally, but it's hard. My husband is my family and if you say something about him, it hurts me too.
Grrr, I just wish there was a way out of this.
At home, I've been busy trying to relax and enjoy my down time and spend time with my husband. Work is always nutty, but I have been trying to dial it down a notch and NOT give it my all. Maybe then they'll see that I wasn't messing around and that I do need help with the work load.
Anyway, today I called in sick because of some issues that DH and I had. Not between us, thank God, this was something to do with the little bastard known as the stock market. See, DH was in a bad accident a few years ago, got a nice settlement from the person who injured him, and this money is in a structured settlement thingy (for lack of a better word, haha) with one of the big companies in the news these days. We were up all night, very upset, freaking out. As he's still unemployed, the monthly checks from this settlement were helping us get by. If that money suddenly disappeared, we'd be in BIG trouble. My salary cannot and would not support two people.
After a frantic call this morning to DH's lawyer, we quickly learned that all would be OK. PHEW! Now, for him to get a job...but that is out of our hands as well. Lots of interviews, no bites. It's upsetting. For him--he feels like a failure, he's bored, he feels like he'll never get anywhere in his career. For me--I want him to be doing something, so he doesn't feel like crap, and I get a bit jealous and resentful b/c he can stay home. For us--he feels like a bad husband, and I just hate being the sole breadwinner and the one who is responsible for everything right now. This has taken a toll on the both of us...and for it to happen during the first year of marriage, it sucks even more.
A lot of people like to weigh in on this, giving me advice. Until you have been there, it's hard to give REALLY sound advice. It's easy to say "oh try XYZ company" or "has he thought about just doing some part time retail job?" The economy sucks, people.
Here are some funny exchanges with people about my DH's job stuff...
Bossman: How's the job search going?
Me: Oh fine, thanks for asking...it's going.
Bossman: (incredulously) You aren't nagging at him?!?!
Me: Uhhh no...I can't make people hire him.
Boss: Oh...wow...well (mutters something)
Are you SERIOUS??? As if me nagging would help him to find a job, or get someone to higher him faster? It doesn't work like that, buddy.
My mom: What would (DH) like for his birthday?
Me: A job.
Mom: No, seriously.
Me: I AM serious. He doesn't need anything else.
C'mon mom, you know me (and him) better than this!
I actually had to tell a friend of mine last week that as much as I appreciated her concern, I didn't want to talk to her about DH's job stuff anymore. It was like every time she contacted me, the first thing she'd ask was "So how's the job search?"
SHUT UP. PLEASE.
Now I know how women who have issues getting pregnant feel when every time they talk to someone, all they want to do is talk babies. It hurts. It's annoying. It makes you angry. It makes you feel guilty, like you have to cover for your husband, so people don't think he's a slacker or lazy. Or unmotivated.
I try not to take people's suggestions/comments *too* personally, but it's hard. My husband is my family and if you say something about him, it hurts me too.
Grrr, I just wish there was a way out of this.
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