School

I was reading a blog over here the other day, and actually commented on one of the posts about how I didn't finish two masters degrees.

Ooops.

That led me to do some thinking about the degrees.

Why I started them. Why I didn't finish them.

When I started them, I had good intentions of finishing them. Perhaps I even had delusions of grandeur of doing something great with them. What happened? Why didn't I finish? I don't know.

It's a little embarrassing, but I try not to think about it too much--the fact that I didn't finish. I know I'm smart enough to get into graduate school. The problem is...I'm not smart enough to know what I want to do once I get there!

I love learning. I hate that you have to pay for it, most of the time...unless you teach yo' self. Which actually isn't a bad idea...I mean, kids get homeschooled every day. If I wanted to learn something...and it was easy to read up on it or study it, then it couldn't be too hard, right? If I wanted to, I don't know, take up WELDING, for instance, then yeah, I'd need to study with someone...someone who could teach me how to do it safely, lol. Knowing me, I'd start a fire.

Anyway, I started two grad programs.

Program the first--a masters in American Studies. I majored in AMS in college and LOOOVED it. It was a great major, and left a lot of my friends jealous due to the types of classes I took. Classes like Food and American Culture. Women and the American Experience. A class about the neighborhood in which my college was located.

Senior year of college, I was pretty much set on NOT working after graduation. I wanted to keep learning about AMS, go to grad school, and become a professor. I wanted to inspire and share knowledge with people, much like my professors had done for me. So I got accepted by one school, even though I'd applied to a ton. I moved to that city and did one semester. I didn't like the courses--they weren't what I'd though they'd be. There was a ton of reading and I didn't know how to get all of it done. I wasn't doing well on my papers. I also didn't know what I'd do when I finished. I just wasn't feeling it. Not to mention, I missed my friends, wasn't making any in this new area, etc.

I left after that semester.

Program the second--a masters in Health Care Administration. After I'd left the first program, moved home and gotten my first "real" job, one of my former undergrad professors hired me to work with him as a research assistant on a book he was writing about the American health care system. I developed a passion for learning everything I could about this subject. I wanted to study about it more. So I thought the best thing would be to go to school for it.

I found a local university that had the degree, and started taking classes. While I did well in them and liked them very much, I had met my now-husband and found that he was having trouble getting work in his field, even though he'd received a masters degree from the same university I was now attending. I realized that I needed some practical experience in the field if I was to get a masters and expect a job. Maybe I didn't look very hard, maybe I was lazy, but I had a hard time finding a job that would hire someone transitioning fields.

So I gave up school again. This time around, DH was recovering from the bad accident that almost killed him, I was having problems at my job (and wanted to quit), so those were things that definitely influenced me on why I quit.

Why am I posting about this...now? I don't know, the whole jury duty thing really stirred up something inside of me. I realized that I don't really DO anything...I work, but I'm not really into it. I want to have a purpose. That sounds so stupid in print, but it's how I feel. I don't really have any interests, any thing that drives me.

Then I feel stuck because I can't just pick up and move, or quit my job to try something different. I've always had something (be it a person or a reason or a fear) that kept me back. Not all of these somethings are bad or unwanted...they just shape your life differently...so that you can't just do what you want.