DH, his job, my job

DH got laid off. We'd known it was a possibility for some time, but it really happened. March 7 was his last day of work. There was talk about him getting some other positions within the company, but after some interviews, it really went nowhere. They were probably doing what they do best, jerking him around, like they've done since Day One.

So now he's home (this is the middle of his second week now) and I have to admit I'm a bit jealous.

Actually I'm jealous of anyone who gets to stay home and doesn't have to deal with boring work or bosses who don't listen, or schedules, or any other crap. My mom always said that when she was a SAHM, it wasn't always fun times with soap operas and bonbons, but she never had to do anything she didn't WANT to do...and she got to do a lot of fun things, like make curtains, have a garden and can food from it, made baby food from scratch, etc. Plus, she had me, and I was a super cute baby and smart. Who wouldn't want to spend time with me????

I think this jealousy stems from the fact that I've always been a bit of a spoiled brat, who likes to do things on HER time (not a company's) when SHE wants to. When something isn't fun, I tend to drag it out. This is how I am at work. I put off most of my assignments and screw around. When I first joined my company at its current location (in August 2007), I felt challenged and exuberant. I was a go-getter. I was happy to be given the position that I was, after a crappy time in a warehouse (LOOOOONG STORY) and I had a boss who was brand-new to the company. I thought, "here is a time for great change, and I've got someone who's willing to give me a shot." Things went well for awhile, and now it seems like Bossman is just as stuck as me. It feels like I need to do 30 things before I can get one big assignment done, or I don't have the proper data to do my job. I ask continuously for feedback, but apparently I'm doing fine. WTF? I'm totally Peter Gibbons from Office Space.

One day, back in January, the HR director pulled me aside and told me in one of those "I never said this" convos that Bossman thinks the world of me and perhaps I should ask for a raise. This was before DH was laid off. She even said they were getting me for a song and I should ask for about $3-4K more than I currently make. I felt really good about asking for a raise and I mustered up the courage and asked Bossman one day. He didn't say yes and he didn't say no but in the end, it wasn't meant to be. Fine, I'll wait until October when we all get our annual reviews.

What burned my ass is that I couldn't get a raise but Bossman told the company owner that DH got laid off, and Mr. Owner told Bossman to tell me that if need be, DH could come work at the company's warehouse while he was job searching. WTF????? You'll pay my husband MORE than I was going to ask for in a raise!?!?!?! Makes no sense. That really got me. Not to mention, maybe I didn't want Mr. Owner, or anyone else in the company, to know my PERSONAL BUSINESS?????

I just don't feel my job anymore. I don't know if I'm depressed again, which could very well be the case, or if I'm just feeling pressure because suddenly I'm the bread-winner, but I'm scared. I don't know why I'm not all gung-ho as I once was. I get nervous at my desk, I can't concentrate (which isn't surprising since we hired some recent grads who think the office is a gymnasium and can yell all day)

I get NOTHING done.

To add insult to injury, yesterday was my first paycheck with the extra health insurance contribution for DH taken out (he had been on his job's insurance til now) and it was $160 less than last paycheck. OUCH. Unemployment is only paying him about $240/week. And we got a call from our accountant that we owe about $3,000 in taxes. Yay marriage.

At least, DH is much less stressed now that he's out of work. It's funny, most people would think it would suck being laid off. He's so much happier, that job was truly a hell-hole. Even though he went to college and grad school to do what he did, it wasn't worth the stomachaches, the anxiety, the anguish. The job literally almost got him killed a few years ago, but he survived and they just kept being shitty to him. He isn't thrilled about staying at home all of the time, but he gets to find something that will fulfill him and WON'T drive him nuts, the way his previous job did. I just need someone or something to light a fire under my ass...or there will be two people collecting unemployment under one roof.